Blessed Bentons

God is SO Good!

2012-02-08T10:21:00.001-08:00

As I'm driving to Chick-fil-a this morning to get my girls lunch, as we do on occasion just to get out of the house, I have a cd of my current favorite Christian music playing. The first song is by Matt Redman called, "Never Once". I had listened to it twice already and heard Layla-doo singing part of the chorus, "You are faithful, God You are faithful." I was already beginning to melt. When the song ended for the second time and the cd began playing another song, she spouted out from the back, "I want more faithful!!!"

I sat there with a little bit of a knot in my throat. I love hearing her sing praises to God. I love hearing her sing period. I love hearing her long to hear more of how faithful He is.

I called my dad to tell him about it and I was reminded of what he used to say to us all of the time growing up. "What goes in, comes out." It rang true with me as a child, as a teenager and even now as an adult. It's not that secular music is bad...some of the most beautiful music I often enjoy isn't Christian. However, I want my children to hear words that begin to get stuck in their brain and written on their hearts. Music that causes them to breathe in Jesus.

I believe that music affects you in a different way and can often reach you when other things can't. God uses music to speak to me all of the time. Specific songs have different meanings to me. There are pieces of instrumental music that I can see bits and pieces of my life unfolding to. Each of my children has songs that I can see their lives as snapshots. There is so much beauty in the simplicity of a melody....many times you add simple words of praise to our Savior and they become magical.

I long for my children to know that the joy of music comes from Jesus. He gave it as a gift in order to worship Him. Colossians 3:16, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly...as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your heart to God."

Hoping that you, too, find the JOY in worshiping the Lord as my Layla-doo does! I'll leave you with "God is so Good." HE is indeed so GOOD...ALL the time!

Much love,

Power of Prayer

2012-01-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

Many of you may or may not remember that in November our sweet Layla had four unexplained seizures. While my husband and I do believe we know the cause of the seizures now, at the time we did not and were overwhelmed with anxiety, worry and sheer exhaustion at the thought of having two children with seizure disorders. I had many friends calling to pray with me and encouraging me and all the while I was thinking to myself that at least God in His infinite wisdom placed my Layla with me...a mom that knew seizures. However, I didn't want that life for her. I don't want it for Kate. I want to keep both of my children from suffering any kind of pain...and in those few days I felt as though I had been hit with more than I could possibly handle...

It's amazing to me to hear people say the comment that, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I have never liked it, but understood where they were taking it from. (1 Corinthians 10:13) I do believe that it has been taken out of context and I do believe that God will allow you to be given things that you can't handle. Katie Davis talks about the same things in her book Kisses from Katie. I will tell you though, God has to come to me every single morning and allow me the strength to be Kate's mother...because on my own I can't do it. Only through Him do I have the ability to make it through one day of carrying a 45 pound 4 1/2 year old, to watch her have 8-10 seizures a day, making it through multiple therapy sessions each day, being hit and bit because of her need for sensory input and listening to a great deal of fussing to have her point made, struggling to figure out how to get her to eat because of texture issues, not being able to go to certain places because of the amount of people. So...my point is that God will give you more than YOU can handle...because HE can do it through you. He is mighty. MIGHTY.

Those few days watching my Layla have seizures while continuing to see my Kate have seizures were trying. I prayed harder than I had in a long time. For both of my children.

I came home following a very difficult encounter with a nurse practitioner over that weekend in November of 2011 and just laid it out before the Lord honestly. I begged and pleaded with Him. I cried. The ugly, mother cry. Asking Him to give me something. Anything. I needed to know that He was listening. Listening to me. I didn't have to know He was going to heal either one of my children. He doesn't have to do so for me to love Him or serve Him. I just needed to know my prayers were being heard.

I was lead that 13th day of November to Psalm 13.

Lord, how long must I wait? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you turn your face away from me?
How long must I struggle with my thoughts?
How long must my heart be sad day after day?
How long will my enemies keep winning the battle over me?
Lord my God, look at me and answer me.
Give me new life, or I will die.
Then my enemies will say, "We have beaten him."
They will be filled with joy when I die.
But I trust in your faithful LOVE.
My heart is filled with joy because you will save me.
I will sing to the LORD.

I will be honest. I don't know if I have ever cried as hard as I did after I finished reading. I asked for it, and He answered and gave it to me. I read this to friends, family and even our family pediatrician...each time they cried with me. They all felt the Spirit. God's name was glorified through the whole horrible ordeal...and I was able to understand the power of prayer and the power of HIS great love for His children.

My Layla has not had a seizure since. All test came back normal. I don't believe that she will ever have another seizure. She is my perky, loveable, goofy little Doo! My Kate continues to have seizures here on earth...and the Lord may or may not one day choose to heal her. I do know for certain that if not here...in heaven in our true HOME..He will. I will talk, run, skip, sing and REJOICE with my Kate...but for now her laugh, smile, way she says mama, incredible hugs and sheer joy for life is what I keep sacred!

I am loved by the King. Loved by my husband and loved by two incredibly miraculous little girls...BLESSED I am.

He has been so good to me,

Happy Birthday Layla-doo!

2011-11-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

Today my Layla turns two! I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by. She is the funniest, and one of the most sassy little girls I know. Her sense of humor and timing is spot on! She has a laugh that is infectious, a smile that would melt the hardest of hearts, and dance moves like no one I've ever met! She is happy, loving, sneaky and delightful all rolled up into the ball of energy that seriously NEVER stops!

I am so blessed to be her momma and I am thankful for my little Christmas miracle! Happiest of Birthday wishes, my sweet Doo!

Much love,

Special Needs Adoption & People First Language

2011-11-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

For many people the term “special needs” means a child that exhibits some sort of physical or mental limitation and requires therapy, hospitalization, special education and a lot of medical attention. In the adoption world, we recognize that this is not always the case. Many children are older, are of different ethnicities, have emotional or physical abuse histories, are part of a sibling group, had pre-natal drug exposure and lastly they may have a physical or mental limitation or both. There is no such thing as a “typical” child, all children are all miracles and are originally designed by their Creator. However, adopting a child with a disability be it physical, mental or emotional does take commitment, dedication, a different skill set and preparation for raising them.

Seeing as I am the mother of a child with significant disabilities, I often hear language that is inappropriate or offensive not only to me, but to my child. I do not think that most people even realize that they have said something inappropriate, but rather it is a lack of understanding. My daughter has a rare seizure disorder, which causes global developmental delay and is also on the autism spectrum. She just began walking in the last 6 months and is in 7 therapy sessions a week. She is non-verbal and we have a great deal of difficulty being in large crowds or in settings with other children. Our life is dramatically different from many other families…yet we are a family.

My daughter has sensory processing issues in conjunction with her autism disorder…this leads to many issues for those that don’t understand her. She often hits because she has no perception of how hard her movements are, she pinches because she is seeking input from an outside source, she hugs hard and deep because her little body can’t regulate itself. She is in her therapy sessions to work on speech, her fine motor skills and learning to regulate herself. I share this because many times I find myself feeling as though people are judging me for my parenting, all the while knowing that people just do not understand my child and her specific needs. This can make social situations difficult and sometimes non-appealing for our family.

I love this quote by Mark Twain, “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lighting and a lightning bug.” Words hold power, not only to the child, but to the parent of the child. The following are guidelines for “People First Language” and how to talk to and/or about those with disabilities.

•Recognize that people with disabilities are ordinary people with common goals for a home, a job and a family. Talk about people in ordinary terms.

•Never equate a person with a disability -- such as referring to someone as retarded, an epileptic or quadriplegic. These labels are simply medical diagnosis. Use People First Language to tell what a person HAS, not what a person IS.

•Emphasize abilities not limitations. For example, say a man walks with crutches, not he is crippled.

•Avoid negative words that imply tragedy, such as afflicted with, suffers, victim, prisoner and unfortunate.

•Recognize that a disability is not a challenge to be overcome, and don't say people succeed in spite of a disability. Ordinary things and accomplishments do not become extraordinary just because they are done by a person with a disability. What is EXTRAORDINARY are the lengths people with disabilities have to go through and the barriers they have to OVERCOME to do the most ORDINARY things.

•Use handicap to refer to a barrier created by people or the environment. Use disability to indicate a functional limitation that interferes with a person's mental, physical or sensory abilities, such as walking, talking, hearing and learning. For example, people with disabilities who use wheelchairs are handicapped by the stairs.

•Do not refer to a person as bound to or confined to a wheelchair. Wheelchairs are liberating to people with disabilities because they provide mobility.

•Do not use special to mean segregated, such as separate schools or buses for people with disabilities, or to suggest a disability itself makes someone special.

•Avoid cute euphemisms such as physically challenged, inconvenienced and differently abled.

•Promote understanding, respect, dignity and positive outlooks.

God has richly blessed our family with our daughter. I love her for who she is, what she can do, and not what she is unable to do or has yet to master. You most assuredly feel the same way in regards to your family members. God’s word says in Matthew 25:40, “I tell you the truth, whatever you do to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.” I truly believe that God longs for us to love those around us, regardless of disabilities, ethnicity or religion. He longs for us to love as He loves. Without limit. Without discrimination. He longs for us to educate not only ourselves but others on how to speak to one another in love.

One more little side note, never feel uncomfortable to ask a parent how to talk to your children about their child, or to ask a parent how you should best interact with their child, as well as what terms they are comfortable with. For me personally, “special needs” does not feel like an insult…my daughter is special because she is mine and she does have special needs. I see it is a signal that you truly care and are interested in forming a relationship with my child to ask me polite and appropriate questions.

Much Love,

Traveling Music

2011-09-12T14:51:00.001-07:00

Well, most of you that know me know that I have a small obsession with all things Christmas. The music, the sights, the warm smell of cinnamon...LOVE it all! My husband jokes with me that I am only allowed to listen to Christmas music in months that end with a 'ber'. Otherwise I'd listen to it year round. (Which I do have a cd in my car at all times for those moments that I need a pick me up...a good time or two of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" will get me in a super mood!)

So, unfortunately for him...we recently left for our vacation to the beach in September a 'ber' month. You guessed it...every kind of Christmas music was played. The thing I love is that my husband joined in on every song. He loves that I love Christmas...he always just grins at me. In fact he calls to tell me when one of our local decor shops here in town puts up their display in the window...it's always in October.

We had a wonderful vacation and it truly went by too quickly...but I am excited for what's to come in the next few months. So glad that I got to spend so much time with family and looking forward to more of it in these coming months of Fall, Thanksgiving...and CHRISTMAS!!!

~Enjoy these pictures from our beach trip...some could end up on a Christmas card! ;) (My girls, I know they are super cute...I could totally just eat them up!!!)

Much love,

Why?

2011-08-24T10:51:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty good at being my Kate's mother. I handle things well most days. I scoop her up when she's having a seizure and cuddle with her until she's done napping the trauma of it off. I swipe her VNS numerous times a day. I listen to her suffer from the side effects of medication. I debate over decisions in her medical care...knowing that there really isn't a "great" option. I cry as I watch her almost stop breathing because a seizure is so severe. I've been there before...so, it's supposed to be easy...right? Wrong. I get frustrated watching children her age and seeing them do the things my Kate should be. I get overjoyed at seeing her accomplish tasks that others find mediocre. I don't ever hear the words "I love you" come from her lips. Those lips, however, often find mine on their own with a sweet, slobbery kiss. She doesn't speak with words, but her eyes hold a story like you've never been told. At night, I'm often scared to sleep, for fear of her being alone in the night. I struggle with not always knowing exactly what she wants. I travel 5 times a week to carry her to therapy, and all the while wondering if she'd rather just be home. I take car rides to just calm her down...not always having a destination. I watch her anticipation build on our journey to Popo and Baday's house...her face is sheer perfection when she gets to their door. I hear laughter when her sister happens to tickle her funny bone. I get countless hours of a sleeping little one on my chest. I cry when I am exhausted and then remember that she has faced more in the day than I have. I seek help when I am burdened or too tired to do it anymore on my own. I watch peoples stares when she's flapping her arms or covering her ears. I get saddened when people stop to talk to her and wonder why she doesn't respond. I am calm when she has a seizure, but inside I continue to break. I smile when I hear people say that she is blessed...because I know the opposite to be true. I am blessed.

There are so many days, including today, when I want to ask God why. Why does she have to be over-medicated, have surgery, continue to be in a world without words, struggle to accomplish every single goal, have seizures...have pain. Why? He holds the power to heal her today. Why won't He? I truly can't answer the question why, but I do know that He can and will one day...maybe not here on earth, but in our forever home.

I know that her being my child has changed me. I no longer see things the way I once did. She has been the light in my life...she shows Jesus in the way she lights up with someone new, the way she hugs your neck and holds on for dear life, the way those little hands hold yours to make you clap...she longs to know you. He longs to know you. Through her I have come to know my Savior in ways that I honestly would not have without her life. Her existence has caused me to seek Him and His guidance in the smallest details--which is right where He is.

So, yes, today...I am struggling. Tomorrow, I may again ask why, but I know that He's holding me. He's holding her. He knows why. He heard my heart. That is all I need to know for today.

"I love the Lord because He hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!" Psalm 116:1-2

Matthew's Family

2011-08-21T15:46:00.001-07:00

I am so blessed to be friends with one amazing woman, Sarah. She has a heart for orphans...and specifically one--Matthew. Her son who is a world away for the moment, but soon to come home to a life God has already radically planned for him. A life with a mom and dad who have prayed for him and loved him from afar, a brother and sister who will shower him with the affection his little soul is craving.

I am honored to get to share pictures of their beautiful family and their sweet son to be! They are doing what the Lord has called their family to do (James 1:27) and will forever change this one child's life!

Here are links to their family blog with sweet, sweet pictures of God's love for His children!

Pictures of Matthew and His New Family

New Pictures of Sweet Matthew

I'd like to provide you with an opportunity to help them bring him home! Sarah is doing a fundraiser through a friend that sells Avon. Avon is an incredible product at an incredible price and is backed with a guarantee! Go make a purchase for your lotions or favorite shade of lipstick in order to help this awesome family of four become a family of five!!!

Go to this site: www.youravon.com/dawnraemay and the event code is Scott5! Shipping is free on orders over $30.00 if you use this code FS30REP! Fundraiser ends on September 30th!!! Go support this family and I also urge you to pray for them as well as Matthew!

Much love,

Kate's 4th Birthday

2011-07-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today our Kate turns 4. It truly amazes me that God chose me to get the privilege of being her mommy. There aren’t words to describe the miracle that she is. Her smile, her hugs, her cutting little eyes, her sweet personality…these are things you know about her if you are one of the people in her life. I prayed to be a mom for a long time and God gave me the greatest treasure in making Kate my first baby. I can remember that day in the NICU like it was yesterday…all 2 lbs. 13 oz. of her was incredible! I sang the song I “Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus” in the NICU because it was a reminder that our great God gives us the desires of our hearts. It still calms her after a seizure or reassures her when she is becoming frustrated. Our Kate has allowed us to share Jesus in so many places…because of who she is. I wouldn’t be who I am today, if not for my sweet Kate.

Happy 4th Birthday! We love you so very much! You were one of the most incredible surprises I have ever been given!

Much love,

No Matter What

2011-07-05T05:57:00.001-07:00

So, over the holiday weekend my husband and I had a good chance to talk about the future of our family. We discussed our plans for the adoption and then after our long and quite personal discussion I began to realize just how much of "the plan" was our plan and not His.

We want to adopt again, and we know that the Lord is calling us to do so. It's just that we keep wanting to push the envelope and get the process started...and that has GOD nowhere in it. With our first two adoptions, they practically fell into place because God had ordained them.

The difficult part of this is realizing that although I may long to go to Korea...there have been many things in my life that I felt sure were my hearts desire and it isn't what the Lord gave me...I received even better!

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. “As the heavens are higher than the earth,so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." His ways are HIGHER. What a wonderful thing to realize. I've been frustrated for the past few weeks trying to figure out when we would adopt, start paperwork, get the fundraising started...and the thing that clicked for me is that in following God's plan you do have moments of fear, frustration and even perhaps agony over a decision, but He make His plan very clear.

It isn't my job to determine all of the plans, it isn't even my job to decide where and when on the journey to our next little one. He knows the face of our next child and we need to stop worrying, debating and dwelling on it. We are open to whatever the Lord is going to do in our family...we've followed Him for the first two adoptions and what a ride it has been! Why would we try to make our own way this time around? We are going to continue to enjoy our two girls that we have been blessed with and WAIT for Him to fully reveal His plan.

None of this is to say we won't be adopting from Korea...but what if we have had our minds and specifically hearts focused on the adoption and not on what GOD has intended for our family. What if He has another child in His plan somewhere else? I don't want to "edit" His plan for our family...I want the authentic plan. One thing we know is that God has called us to adoption and we are learning day by day that He will call us to go wherever we are to go and no matter what we will follow. We need to WAIT on Him, listen to Him, spend time with Him to know the future of our family.

No matter what the plan looks like...He truly is the author of the story and I don't want to mess up what He has planned.

Much love,

Father's...

2011-06-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

Father’s Day is an incredible day for many families. It is a time to celebrate your dad for the man he is in your life, for the way he raised you, for the love and joy he provides. However, there are so very many today brought up without a father. The National Fatherhood Initiative shows that in 1960 there were 7 million children without fathers in the United States. Today, that number has increased to 24 million. Does that figure cause a reaction in you? If not, it should.

Life without a father is unimaginable to me, personally, because I grew up in house where my brother and I were my dad’s world. He worked to provide a happy life for our family, he made it possible for my mother to stay at home with us, but most of all he passed down his love of the Lord. He taught us to seek our value not in worldly things but in Christ. My dad is a man I admire, respect and cherish.

These statistics show that the damage done to a child without a father is truly devastating. Children need strong male influences in their lives and it is clear that without that many children will suffer more than just emotional scars.

According to statistics:
•63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
•85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes
(Center for Disease Control)
•71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes (National Principals Association Report)
•75% of all teen patients in chemical abuse centers are from fatherless homes (Rainbows for All God’s Children)
•70% of youths in state-operated institutions come from fatherless homes (U.S. Dept. of Justice)
•85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes
(Fulton Co. Georgia, Texas Dept. of Correction)

This can’t be okay if we believe what the word says about fathers. It clearly calls fathers to love their children and to lead them in the path of the Lord and not anger, irritate or frustrate your child. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” It's clear from the above mentioned statistics that NOT having a father can destroy a child's life.

Children in homes without fathers grow up continuing to long for that relationship. Some young ladies that do not have an example of how a real man who genuinely loves and cares for her end up searching for love in the wrong place. Young men without fathers grow up never being taught, by a man, how to treat a young lady.

A sad fact to me is how our media often portrays the role of father as someone who does nothing. They want us to see a father as a man who comes home at the end of the day to recline in his lazyboy and truly have little to do with his children or wife. Satan wants us to believe that ALL fathers are good for is a paycheck and for a good laugh and that mothers can do it all…however it’s just not so.

So, in light of the fact that Father’s day is here upon us, I call you to encourage the father’s around you that are doing their best to follow God’s calling on their life. I urge you to pray for those children who do not have a father, to love on their families even more. Not every child has a choice...some moms have to do everything on their own because a man chose to leave their family. Finally, I ask that you remember the 147+ million orphans in the world who have no father. James 1:27 says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

I want to wish my father, Russ, a very happy Father’s day. He truly is a man I treasure and want to thank for providing me the love of the Lord and for teaching me what qualities to look for in a spouse, and always treating me as if today were the very last day we’d see each other. Oh, how grateful I am for him and dearly love him.

I also wish my incredible husband, Stephen, a happy Father’s day. He is an amazing father to our two girls and I can’t fathom the thought of taking this journey of parenthood without my best friend helping me along the way. He is a loving and devoted father that truly values his precious time with our girls. He loves with his whole heart...a characteristic I admire and learn from daily.

Hopefully, you gained some information that you didn’t know about the incredible role of a father and the effects of not having one. Remember to look after those children without a father...help those moms out! Fathers, be what God desires and mothers help your mate by encouraging him and lifting him up in prayer. Our men are destined for greatness...but we have to believe it as well.

Much love,

His Calling

2011-06-14T09:00:00.001-07:00

So, today I'm going to share my heart...and be honest and open with where we are in our adoption journey.

When we began the process of adoption my sweet husband thought we'd go to Korea or China...but God had other plans...amazing plans. We went through the foster care system and adopted our Katerbug. Our little miracle, pure and simple. We were so very blessed to have an incredible caseworker, Jennifer who is now one of my closest and dearest friends. Her heart for Kate to have loving, godly parents...well she is a gem in the system.

We jump forward a little bit in our timeline and experience the pure agony of a failed adoption...at the time we were bitter and angry at the system, at God and ourselves truthfully for allowing our hearts to fall in love with a little girl who would not be ours afterall. Oh, how God CLEARLY knows what is best for us. He has the master plan and knew that this little girl was not meant for us...He had another little girl in mind.

We were ready to be parents again and left the foster care system to adopt privately through an agency. Agape. Incredible people and the most amazing caseworker once again. Claire was a gift from heaven...when we got the call for Layla-doo there many unknown factors that she consistently reassured me of and that it was a process. 5 1/2 weeks after the call we picked up our daughter days before Christmas. Sheer joy is what we felt!

In February of last year I attended the Created for Care retreat in Georgia for adoptive mothers (wow, what an incredible time of worship)...my heart began to stir after listening to two women talk about special needs adoption. I already know what it is to be the mother of a child with special needs and felt like God knew that I could do it again with His help. I began praying about it and have continued to do so constantly.

So...that brings us to now. My husband and I are praying fervently about what the Lord's next step is. We are so drawn to Korea and feel that is the Lord's plan for our life and our journey of adoption...but there are once again doubt's if this is OUR plan and OUR hearts being broken for waiting children in many orphanages across the world or if it is TRULY His mighty plan. The sweetest thing is that this would make a full circle on our adoption journey...back to where my husband thought we would go for our child...however, we just followed His plan and we need to hear from the Lord if that will take us to Korea? I don't know for certain.

I am certain that God is at work in our lives...we can see His hand everywhere. We are prayerful about what He will call us to do...and we ask that you join us in prayer for what that plan looks like and when we will go.

The one thing I do know is this...we will be obedient to His call. We will be obedient no matter what others think or say. We will be obedient and love another child like He loves them. We will be obedient with the two treasures He has already given us and KNOW that He will make His plan very clear to us.

So, here I am sharing my heart...my heart for a child that I don't know yet and I don't know when the time will come to go to Korea. I am just saying that we will be obedient to whatever His desire for our family is.

Much love,

Another year older...

2011-06-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

My birthday was this week. I had a great day...an entire day with my husband and girls, followed by dinner with my mom and dad. Cooked entirely by my momma...my favorite foods like fried (healthy as possible) squash, potato salad, coleslaw (my momma's good stuff), grilled chicken and a peanut butter chocolate pie! Can you seriously imagine a better southern spread? Just missed my brother so terribly and my sister-in-law...not the same without the two of them at the table.

So, in the aftermath of turning a year older...I sat and pondered what this last year has brought me. It brought with it laughter, joy and sorrow...but in the end it was so very sweet. In the last year I celebrated 9 amazing years of marriage to my hubbie, I finalized my Layla-doo's adoption at the beginning of the year, I spent time in two children's hospitals with my Katerbug-watching her recover through surgery, I witnessed the miracle of not loosing my father to a widowmaker, I went through my husband having a heart attack and being in the ICU for a week, I sat beside a friend grieving the loss of a child and witnessed her become a stronger woman, I said goodbye to my sister-in-law and brother and watched them move away, I get to watch my sweet girls learn to love each other--which makes me fall more desperately in love with them, I have made friends with amazing women and rekindled friendships I once thought lost, I began co-teaching a class on my greatest passion for the Lord--adoption, I've been to 4 airport homecomings of little ones being adopted internationally, my Katerbug is WALKING...a miracle all on it's own for we never knew for certain the day would come, I've witnessed my Layla-doo learn so many new things--she truly learns something everyday and melts me each time, I left my children for the first time to see my brother graduate, I went on a women's retreat for adoptive mothers (something I'd previously said I wouldn't do), I traveled to GA to say goodbye to my brother before he was deployed, I witnessed the joy of a friend becoming a mother for the first time-such happiness for her I feel, I realized that my life is more than blessed...it is abundant and overflowing with His new mercies everyday.

My life is beautiful. Although it appears messy and chaotic to others...beauty is within. I can't fathom my life in any other way. I'll take the stuff life has to dish out...because with it I have grown into someone I actually like. More importantly, Jesus LOVES me. He sees every second of my last year and loves me for the mistakes I made in it, for the beauty within and for the shear fact that I start each day over with the purpose of loving Him, my family and myself.

On my birthday, my husband gave me a sweet card that he had written that he was proud of me...proud of the woman I am. I think that is probably the perfect ending to my perfect year.

Much love,

Time Flies

2011-05-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

So today my heart is a little heavy. My brother is in the air somewhere heading to the desert. He is being deployed. Away from his wife, away from his family, away from his home. I should be okay with this, because he's been gone now for a year when you add up basic training and tech school and moving to his base with the USAF. However, there is a completely new set of feelings with him being overseas and completely away from all of us. Not able to hear his voice on the other end of the line.

It's not really fear...it is the sense that nothing is ever going to be the same. When my brother made the decision to join the air force I was both proud and sad at the same time. Proud of the man he was for defending what he stood for and believed in and yet sad for loosing my brother and sister-in-law to a life of moving and living away from our family unit. Tight-knit. We are a family that is so very close and when we approach the thought of one of us being out of reach for a period of time it is beyond any realm of thought for me to explain how quickly we turn to God. We (my mom, dad, Stephen & I) have all been in prayer. Prayer about the unknown, prayer about peace of mind and most of all prayer for his safety.

God is in control of ALL things. He knew before time that my brother would be spending time overseas and away from all of us and mostly away from his wife. This is going to be so very hard for him...because he truly cherishes her. (So do I.) :) He knew that this would be a great difficulty but that it would be a testament to Him and who He is in their marriage and lives! I can't wait to see what He does in these next months in both Austin and Mel's lives while they are apart!

I have to say that I am so extremely proud of my sister-in-law, Mel, she has been so strong and supportive with my brother deploying. They have just recently moved to their base and she doesn't know anyone and will be working and going to school and finding a church home on her own. I am in admiration of her strength and of her faith in the Lord to see them both through this journey. She is leaning on Christ and Christ alone for all of her strength...

We recently all met up to visit my brother Austin before he deployed for a weekend and it was bittersweet. It is always so hard to see him and Mel for a short amount of time. My girls adore their Uncle A & Aunt Mu and to only see them for a weekend is TORTURE!! Time always flies when you are having fun and we always do when we are together as a family!

Praying for time to fly so that Mel gets her husband back in her arms and we get our Austin back safe and sound!

Love you Uncle A, more than you'll ever know! Waiting for that sweet day when you are back on AMERICAN soil! ;)

123,

Sweet Things...

2011-04-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

My husband, affectionately known around here as, Boy, does sweet things for me quite frequently, but this had to be one of the most thoughtful things he has done for me in our nine years! For our anniversary a couple of months ago he gathered all our special pictures and put this together...meant to share it awhile back...but here it is nonetheless! Things get kinda hectic and crazy around here and I kept forgetting to share it with my readers! We've had a crazy 10 years together and 9 years of marriage...now going into our 10th year of marriage!!! Crazy Cool!! Can't wait to see what these next few years bring!

It is going to be amazing no matter what the Lord does! Another child, more awesome road trips, definitely some new embarrassing stories to add to my book and of course new adventures with the Bug and Doo...all I do know is that God has richly blessed the two of us with a love that grows daily!! I love my Boy and am so incredibly thankful that in that church hallway all those years ago he interrupted my conversation to flirt with me. ;) Love him so, so much!

Much love,

Year of Resurrection

2011-04-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

This past week a friend of mine and I were talking on the phone and she shared these words that the Lord had spoken to her while in the midst of her being called to things in her life: "I can do this without you. I do not need you. What I have called you to do is a GIFT."

The words were still in the air and I knew immediately that He had spoken them once again through her straight into my heart. My husband and I know that we have been called to do things in this next year and we are challenged...not beyond what we can handle...perhaps what those around us believe we can financially, emotionally, spiritually and physically...but I know with everything that is within me that with each day and each contact and person that I am speaking with the Lord is using them to mold our hearts to be ready for the great ride He has prepared for us.

Yesterday, our pastor shared an incredible sermon and part of it was on having a year of resurrection. There were two things that just resonated with my husband and I both and that was that those living in the POWER of resurrection live with a constant expectation of VICTORY. What a point for a sermon, huh? How can you possibly go out and feel that you can not accomplish what God has clearly called you to do with that kind of power behind you? The other awesome point that our pastor made was that the resurrection says that EVERYTHING is now possible. Everything. Telling you that there is always HOPE with Jesus. Always. Hope for every situation...everything He calls you to.

I long for this to be a YEAR of RESURRECTION for our family and that we look at everything that He is calling us to as the gift that it truly is. I am challenging myself to let go of any inhibitions or fears and be what HE sees in me alone...daughter. Our purpose here on this earth is to do what the Word says...to follow Him. I'm praying that you choose to have a year of resurrection as well as our pastor challenged us to!

Much love,

2011-04-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like seeing your kids smile. Nothing. I do not care what has gone on in the day, what they have done, what someone else has done to me, how bad I am feeling or what the troubles are in my household...when my girls smile all of it melts away.

There is something so precious in their innocence. You can see it in their eyes, you can sense it in the very start of the crinkle of their smile. It doesn't take much to make them happy...it's the small things in life. I guess what I love the most with my girls is that when you say the word "outside" they explode with glee! You would think that they have literally won the lottery. Their favorite thing to do in the world is to simply swing!

Do you remember being a kid and seeing the swings on the playground? They were my favorite! That feeling of being free and soaring higher and higher with the wind in my face and no cares in the world. I love watching my girls experience that same joy! Kate smiles her biggest smiles when you pull her forward and say, "Ready"! Nothing could capture the cuteness of Layla screaming "wee" as she sways back and forth with a big goofy grin on her face!

Oh to be little again...living the simple life. I think I am getting the best of it now...watching the two people who mean more to me than I could ever convey and seeing their smiles ignite a love in me that can't be explained in words! Oh how divine they are!

Much love,

Homecomings...heaven.

2011-04-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am blessed and privileged to attend the airport homecomings of many adopted children...this is one of the MOST amazing experiences one could ever witness. Being an adoptive mother myself allows me the insight of knowing the journey that the family that is returning home with their child(ren) has been on.

You see the family has just endured months of endless paperwork, trips to government buildings, physicals, fingerprinting (sometimes more than once), background checks, shots and records of those shots, passports, fundraising...but most of all they have spent time on their knees...in PRAYER. Prayer for their child, prayer for their journey, prayer for the children they may have to leave for two weeks to travel to go and pick up their new child in the unknown country they are going to all because GOD CALLED THEM THERE.

This past Friday my husband, my girls and I went to the welcome home celebration of dear friends bringing home their daughter from China. As we were standing in the airport and the group began to scream and children were holding up signs saying "Welcome Home" and "We Love You" and tears were streaming down our faces...CHILLS began to rush up and down my body...all at once GOD GAVE ME THIS.

THIS is a glimpse of what HEAVEN is like. When you are welcomed HOME. I literally almost lost it right there in the airport. Can you imagine? When WE all are finally welcomed home? This world is just a temporary dwelling place and when we finally make it home...we are greeted with screaming and tears and excitement and a crowd waiting for us? OH HOW MARVELOUS!!!

I was extremely overwhelmed and told my husband in the car and said that little darling just saw what she had been waiting for all her little life...but she saw more than that...a little glimpse of HEAVEN.

Oh, that we would all long to give every waiting child that glimpse of heaven...

Much love,

He makes a promise and He keeps it.

2011-04-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

"God isn't a mere man. He can't lie. He isn't a human being. He doesn't change his mind. He speaks, and then he acts. He makes a promise, and then he keeps it." Numbers 23:19

Does that hit you as hard as it hit me? It packed a whopper of a punch to me this morning. I passed it along, because words that powerful need not be kept to oneself. Do you know anyone in your life who has ever kept every single promise they have ever made to you? Not. One. Person. Sure, I have my husband and family and closest friends that are absolutely trustworthy and completely hold them to high standards...but never have they ALWAYS been faithful to their word.

Something I used to struggle with in my own life was changing my mind. In fact, I have been made fun of for it on countless occasions. I've wrestled with it in the past--is it a character flaw or just part of my personality? Probably just part of my DNA. ;) I never waiver on my beliefs on Jesus Christ or my beliefs on moral standards...just things that really in the long run do not matter. The thing that is so reassuring about this verse is that the Savior I serve never changes His mind. NEVER.

I believe that this hit home to me this morning so much so because there are times that I allow the enemy to sneak in and cause me to doubt my salvation. I believe this is something everyone does from time to time. My testimony allows me to see the hand of God and whenever I begin to have that initial thought I close my eyes and begin to recount all of the ways I have seen God move in my life and I am no longer troubled with those thoughts. I pull scripture from the word that enables me to see where He has spoken to me and I can see how my life has been changed. Romans 8:38-39 says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Another verse that brings such peace of mind is John 10:27-30, "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

He doesn't change His mind. He saved me. He loves me. He died for me. He knew me, before I was born. He SPEAKS it, and then He ACTS. John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." Can I even question the kind of love He has for me?

He isn't a mere man and He can't lie...He speaks truth. He keeps His promises and promised LIFE ETERNAL to me...to you...if you CHOOSE to follow HIM. If you CHOOSE to have a relationship with the one person who will never FAIL you, the one person who will NEVER let you go, let you FALL, will always CHOOSE YOU.

Much love,

Mother and Child.

2011-04-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

To define the word mother and child is perhaps one of the most challenging of chores to ever be given. Honestly, no one gave me that job-I felt led to define it for personal reasons. I am the mother of two beautiful little girls. These miracles were gifts to me from God...His children placed in my trust to raise in His image to know Him, serve Him and spread His message of hope, love and truth. You see...my current frustration stems from a comment of ignorance out of the mouths of so very many people...the comment of, "Could you not have any of your own children?" or "Do you not want your own children?" and recently the most ignorant comment "It isn't the same though."

Why is there a need to place a difference? The bond is the same. Mother and Child.

So my quest in this post is to define mother and child. Security, prayer, acceptance, love, time, affection, attention, safety, and education are all qualities that we equate with a mother and her child. Kissing ouchies, fixing my girls hair, making favorite snacks, washing endless amounts of laundry, changing countless diapers, being a bean bag for a child who is feeling puny, getting up all night long with little ones teething. All of these things a mother does for her child.

I can remember bringing my Kate home from the hospital as a premie...they let her leave weighing 4 lbs. 10 oz. she was so little. I heard every sound she made. I knew that she was hungry before she ever woke to cry. My husband said it was as though she and I were bonded instantly. Even now, I can sense when she is having a seizure two rooms away...there is no blood between us...there is something more powerful...LOVE. I am her mother.

When we went to pick up our daughter Layla, our sweet foster mommas handed her to us in a Christmas stocking. (sweet right?) When she was placed in my arms she looked up at me and smiled. She didn't do that immediately with any of our other family and she was only 5 weeks old. She continued to smile at me in the car ride home...her bond with me was instantaneous. I am her mother.

I believe one definition I read defines mother as, "a woman who has raised a child in the role of parent." Wow, what a definition! A whole lot of thought went into that. The simple fact of the matter is this: I was bothered the most recently by the comment, "It isn't the same." I can sit here all day and argue with you that it is...but I haven't given birth...the truth of the matter is I honestly do not need to. My hearts deepest desire was to be a MOTHER and that was fulfilled...oh, glory be was it ever!! Adoption for my husband and I was the most amazing experience that I could ever talk to you about! There were hills, mountains, valleys...yes, even moehills (whatever those really are)...but it was WORTH IT!!!

There is nothing that will ever separate me from my daughters. My love for them is deep and pure. My heart beats for these two little girls. They are Stephen and I's world. God called us to parent them to raise them in His image...and that is what we are doing our very best to do. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that when He formed them in the womb...He knew that I was their mother and Stephen was their father.

Oh, what a sweet feeling that is to know...it is my fervent prayer that other people will one day know that same joy we experienced! That they may see that we are all called to adoption in one form or fashion and that the Bible speaks so very clearly about that fact:

"You are the helper of the fatherless. LORD, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, That the man of the earth may oppress no more."
Psalms 10:14,17-18

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families." Psalms 68:5-6

I am a mother...blessed beyond my wildest dreams by the miracle of adoption. My family was radically transformed when we answered HIS call! I know my girls are His! I know that their is no difference in our bond. I defined it in my heart a long, long time ago. I pray that I have defined it for you.

Much love,

UPDATE on "Tomas"

2011-03-21T16:28:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago I posted a plea of prayer for sweet "Tomas"...God has heard our prayers. His current foster family...the home he has been for the last six months that originally felt that they could not be a permanent placement has had a change of heart...they long to be his forever home. My friend let me know it was upon hearing his sweet voice look up and say the simple words of "dada" that melted the father and they could not even imagine letting him go. They had already been struggling with the thought and that just set the thought in concrete.

I firmly believe that God used the power of prayer to make this little miracles life story have an ending that will leave him an orphan no more. One less...

"But let all who take refuge in You rejoice;
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread Your protection over them,
that all who love Your name may be filled with joy.
For You bless the godly, O Lord;
You surround them with Your shield of love."
Psalm 5:11-12

Much love,

My Little Booger

2011-03-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know that many of you know me very well (perhaps more than you'd care to know)...and some of you don't know me at all. This is what I love about blogging. I am able to write and open up and completely shed any layers of guilt or nervousness about things that I am struggling with in my life on this blessed blog and if you don't want to read anymore of it you don't have to...but if you do and you have wisdom to encourage or enlighten me with words of scripture or experience...oh how grateful I would be.

One thing (person) in my life is currently making my days really LONG...well she is consistently causing me to blast the name of Satan away from making our day as glorious as it should be! My precious little Layla-doo (gasp!) is the most strong-willed, stubborn, little toot you've ever seen in your life. She may only be 16 months old but she is definitely the attitude, intelligence and wit of a 20+ month old. Don't get me wrong I LOVE that she is strong-willed...I firmly believe that characteristic steered in the direction of the Lord will be one of her greatest attributes, however, currently it sends her to bed without dinner, to time-out and mommy counting to three and giving little pats on the behind more times than I care to count!
We are dealing with a DIVA DIVINE here friends. Those of you who have witnessed this in person can attest to her tactics! haha I have had her (after being scolded) smack my hand away from me, then being scolded again for said smacking, stick her tongue out and thhhppp! in my face! Yes, she did! The little one did not enjoy her punishment and was quite the angel the rest of the night. I am just curious as to WHERE it comes from...and HOW to get rid of it! haha Is there a spray?

I know I haven't spent as much time in prayer about it as I should have--so I may have just answered my question but there must be more than the books I am reading... but I'll admit she is marvelous even when she's being mischievous! Oh how I love and adore that little booger!

Mommies out there with little boogers like my darling, any sage advice is appreciated!

Much love,

Sweet Boy

2011-03-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

I am asking for prayer for a sweet little boy. A little boy that will be called "Tomas" for this blog. This precious little boy is in a good foster care system that has done everything right for this little boy...they have done their visits, they have placed him in two-parent homes that were put through the ringer in training, they have carefully considered where they put him because he is a special needs toddler that is so very precious and has been switched now to his third home all because families just didn't feel equipped to care for him...this just brings me so much pain for this fragile little boy. This current home was meant to be his final home, however the family has now changed their mind about adopting him.

My heart is broken for this little boy...I see so much of my own child and what could have been her story--in his story. His needs are very common of a special needs child...many therapy sessions, medical care...but most of all he just needs to be loved and to give love. This little boy will now be going to his fourth home...and I am asking you to join me in prayer for this child that the Lord sends him GODLY, LOVING, parents that LONG to be his FOREVER family...a family that has the ability to devote the time that he deserves to be his mother and father and this will be his final home.

Will you pray with me?

Much love,
Kandra

Bathtub Troubles

2011-03-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, there are times in your life where you cry, there are times in your life where you grin and there are times in your life where you literally PEE in your pants from out and out LAUGHTER!!!

So it's a normal Saturday morning around our house when we decide to do bath time with the girls...happens to be one of our most favorite things around here! Both girls love it...Katerbug is enamored with water and Layla-doo is just eat up with anything Sissy is doing. So to say that they are precious in the tub is an understatement. Anyways, I am lying on the bed looking at a magazine and Stephen is in the bathroom with the girls when I hear him hollar, "Kate just went #2 on the toilet!" You could hear by the tone in his voice that he was more proud of himself for catching her before she did it in the tub...and I quickly ran in there to make sure nothing was in the tub. Sure enough...there was...but it did not belong to Katerbug!!!

Our sweet Layla-doo had made her mark on the tub for the first time! You could see the glee and the proud smile just completely drain from Stephen's face immediately! He was so proud of the fact that he had saved the bath from being spoiled and it ended up being ruined in the end. I immediately pulled Layla out of the tub...but could not keep from laughing...literally it was uncontrollable laughter. We looked like two idiots trying to figure out what we were doing to finish cleaning them up!!

Once Stephen finally calmed down he could see the comedic effect of the moment and he began to laugh about it! He called my parents and told them we'd just had "Poop Fest 2011" at our house! haha

Let's just say that cleaning out dissolved poop in a bath tub is not a job for a mom...that's what he wasn't looking forward to. I believe that is in a handbook somewhere...in fact I know it is, just has to be. I'm sure all you momma's would agree with me on that note!

Much love,
Kandra

Nine Years

2011-03-02T12:04:00.000-08:00

Nine Years. I've been married to my very best friend for nine years. We've been by each other’s side for over ten years. There is not one living soul in the world that knows me like he does and would still really be fond of me. Seriously-- I snore a little (I say that I don’t but I do), I talk way too much, I’m too bossy…perhaps persnickety is a more appealing word, I change my mind all the time, you always know what’s on my mind—because I tell you…but HE loves me. Oh, there are things about him too—don’t get me wrong…he never remembers anything that I ask him to get at the store –even if I’ve put it on a grocery list, he tells jokes that only he finds comical and expects a laugh (which I always do), he NEVER puts the toilet paper on the dispenser, he leaves his beard shavings all over the bathroom sink for me to clean up, and he always forgets to take out the kitchen trash on trash day—even if he was reminded that morning. Oh, but how I love him.

We may argue and we may spat, but the simple fact of the matter is that in him is where my story began. He holds in him every memory that I treasure. Without him…there is no us. Without us…there is no family. I think too often in a marriage people become stuck in a rut that you believe you can’t get out of, or you forget to go to God…and HE is the key to all your struggles. Before Stephen had his heart attack/rheumatic fever/coronary spasms we were feeling a little overwhelmed with life in general. Here I am a mom of two beautiful girls that had just returned from the most incredible emotional and spiritual mountain top--a retreat with 250+ adoptive mothers who get where my heart is on orphan care and I return home to my sweet husband who’d been home with my girls and he is exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and most of all spiritually. What we both came to realize after the hospital stay and a great deal of talking through things and prayer was that he was tired…of the everyday grind….of the chaos and the constant “norm” of everything. We needed a “wake-up” if you will in our marriage. That is what we are setting out to do!

I think we are like "Fred & Ethel" because truthfully, he is getting so crotchety these days (he'd even tell you that) and I have to be honest I am ditsy just like her and would fall for fly-brain ideas--their just SO us!! We are making it a priority to spend more time alone. More time making sure we get our date night in! The biggest thing is making sure we remember that our marriage comes first.

This is a sad world that we live in, a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce. 50%. If you tack on the other 85% that end in divorce just due to the daily pressures of having special needs children…it can easily overwhelm you. I can honestly say that I know we are stronger in our marriage for the things that the Lord has allowed us to face, now that we are on the other side of them. I’ve said before that I obviously would love to see my Kate be healed of her seizures and autism, I am her mother and that is the cry of my heart…but I do know that I would not want to be the woman I was prior to her diagnosis. I would not be where I am with the Lord and where I am in my relationship with my husband had it not been so. We became a stronger union.

I am so grateful for the gift of my husband. God so richly blessed me. He is the better part of me and I really can’t picture a world where he wasn’t the leader of our household.

Colossians 3:18-19 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.”

Much love,
Kandra

Heart Attack

2011-02-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

(on a little morphine)

Wow. What a whirlwind of a week to say the least! My sweet husband just got home Wednesday after staying in the ICU for 5 days. It all began on Friday night after he woke up at about 11:30 after having only been asleep for about 45 minutes or so and tapped me (I was dead to the world on meds of my own) to get me to wake up. He was having pain in between his shoulder blades and his chest was really tight, his upper arms were aching and both hands were numb and yet tingling at the same time. He was really pale and sick at his stomach and sweating all over...we both had a sickening feeling that he was having a heart attack. However, we knew he was 36 years old and he's totally not the normal age to have one...looked up the symptoms online...he was having all of them.

I quickly called my mom and she headed over to stay with the girls, we got dressed and then headed to the ER. When we got there they got us in immediately--our ER does not take chest pain lightly. We had an amazing doctor...really outstanding-will most definitely be sending a thank you note to him for his awesome service and patient care! They quickly began running tests and bloodwork and figured out that it indeed was a heart attack and got him a room in the ICU.

Saturday morning he was scheduled for an arteriogram. I was not really all that nervous...I had a peace about me. I know that it came from the Lord and I also know that we had numerous people praying for my husband that morning and in the days to follow. His arteriogram came back clean--no blockages at all. AWESOME GOD!

The cardiologist spoke with me and said that he believed it to be a blood clot that had corrected itself prior to the arteriogram that had caused the heart attack...we were happy with that answer to a point but still wanted to know why he had the blood clot or what had caused that.

Saturday night comes and Stephen has another episode, another heart attack...now we know it as a coronary spasm. A coronary artery spasm is a brief, temporary contracting of the muscles in an artery wall in your heart. This can narrow and decrease or even prevent blood flow to part of the heart muscle. If the spasm lasts long enough, it can lead to chest pain (angina) and a heart attack. These are what Stephen had three of while in the hospital, and what he had while at home.

Our family practitioner entered the picture on Saturday and just felt as though there was more to the picture than a blood clot and worked alongside the cardiologist to figure out what was going on. We were not overly enthusiastic with our cardiologist and our family practitioner was fantastic at helping to figure out what was going on with Stephen and at patient and family care.

Over the weekend, I had come to find out that I had strep throat...lovely to be sick and going back and forth between the hospital and home...but we don't do anything the typical way in our household! They had already done a rapid strep and flu culture on Stephen that came back negative but our family practitioner had sent out a two day--on Tuesday it came back-POSITIVE. Big piece of the puzzle.

Our family practitioner (another HUGE thank you note) came into our room on Tuesday morning excited because he believed he had it all figured out. Acute Rheumatic Fever. What? Say that again? Strep throat had caused Rheumatic Fever which had in turn caused the coronary spasms. Whew...alot to get through. We just had to pull in the infectious diseases specialist to get his opinion and bloodwork to prove this. They went ahead and began treating him--only problem was that the #1 treatment was penicillin. He was allergic to it...they went ahead and used it and apparently he is no longer allergic to it. The hospital was a perfect place to test and see if he was.

Wednesday morning comes and Rheumatic Fever it was. They sent us home with eight prescriptions and two follow-up appointments and most likely he'll be on injections to prevent him from getting strep--otherwise he'd get rheumatic fever again and have a heart attack. Which we certainly don't want to repeat!

I want to say that we had a week full of overwhelming support from our family-especially my momma that I love and adore-she spent days here at my house cleaning, cooking and most of all taking care of my babies, my daddy who did without my momma for days on end and supporting us (123 to both of you), Stephens parents being up there with us and with Stephen when I wasn't able, friends who've been calling and praying and co-workers who have been taking care of things for Stephen while he is out and praying for our family. I can't thank those enough who came and sat with me at the hospital all morning and over the course of the week, the friends who've been bringing meals to our house (yummo!) and for all of the encouraging texts, messages and calls.

Jesus is Lord. He is the ultimate Healer. There are many ways that this week could have played out...but I had perfect peace the whole time...I know that we were prayed through by the union of friends.

"The Lord gives me strength. He is like a shield that keeps me safe. My heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart jumps for joy. I will sing and give thanks to Him." Psalm 28:7

Love my husband beyond words and so thankful for him and his heart...

Much love to all.

Speak Truth

2011-02-07T07:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, let me begin by saying that I used to say that I am not a retreat kind of girl...but put me in a room with women with the same heart as mine...and my views change!

I don't do the whole 'kumbaya' thing...but I do enjoy gathering with incredible women, worshiping and spending time in the word-which is exactly what this weekend was!

This weekend was spent with women at the Created for Care retreat, a retreat for adoptive mothers. Women who I admire and feel connected to. Women who have been called to love the orphan and have answered that call. Women whose hearts are broken for HIS children. I spent time being taught by amazing teachers. Women whom had the ability to bring you into their world and see their very heart for Him and let you see that their lives weren't perfect...but they were beautiful.

I attended a few breakout sessions over the course of the weekend one on finding time to be with the Lord as a busy mom (something every mother needs), another on parenting your child in the Spirit, and the last breakout session was on special needs adoption. All three were outstanding...the ladies who lead them were on fire for the Lord and for their families!

For me, though, it was the session on parenting your child in the Spirit that I was overwhelmingly encouraged by. There were amazing lessons in it...the thing I found so simple was to SPEAK TRUTH to your child. She gave an example of her son lying and instead of the obvious thing a mother wants to do of scolding and calling him a liar or saying, "You lied", to speak truth into him--to speak what you know to be true about the character of his true self--the person God sees in him. "You are an honest boy."

It seems so simple, yet so many times as a parent we forget to speak to our children as God sees them...as the magnificent little people that they are in His image.

I learned so much this weekend and grew closer friendships with the dear ladies I was blessed to go with. I am so thankful that God has richly blessed me with incredibly Godly ladies whose hearts are like His for friends!

Much love,
Kandra

Be the vessel

2011-01-31T05:24:00.000-08:00

I love to talk. Don't everyone gasp all at once! Some of you that know me the best know that I can make conversation with just about anyone...my husband says I could make it with a brick wall. I try really hard to take that as a compliment, haha. I do know that my background of moving over 18 times growing up has allowed me the ability to never meet a stranger and to talk to people as though I've known them my whole life. I don't know if that is a spiritual gift...but I do believe it is a gift. I believe that there are a great deal of people out there who are hurting and they are waiting for you to talk to them.

The other day I was sitting in the lobby of my daughters therapy clinic, a place I spend a better part of my life, and I spent time with a women who's shoes I'd been in two years ago. My heart was immediately taken back to a dark time and I remembered just where the Lord had brought me, the woman He'd made me and the new life He had given our family by allowing us to realize that our HOPE was in Him.

This precious mom has a special needs little boy that is beautiful. Words can't describe what a child of God he is...as I believe all special needs children are. His mother is where I was though, not understanding why...needing answers. She's searching, she's seeking and she's hurting.

I sat there and prayed. I know without a shadow of a doubt that GOD spoke through me and gave me words to say. I'm a talker yes, but I am not able to provide comfort to the broken...He is. Our children's sessions are at the same time each week and I believe that the Lord has done this so that we will have each week to grow a friendship.

I know that He put the words in my mouth. He helped me to recall scriptures I quoted...scriptures that right now I can't remember that I said. THAT IS OUR JESUS.
It only takes the willingness to be the vessel. He will do the rest.

Much love,
Kandra

Completely

2011-01-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

Almost 4 1/2 years ago I was watching a movie called Facing the Giants and I was at a place where my heart was aching for the desire to be a mother...not to be pregnant but to be a mother. Little did I know the amazing ride that God had planned for me.

There was a point in the movie where a song called Completely by Ana Laura plays and the first line is, "The secret of life is LETTING GO." When I listened to those words and the words that followed of the chorus..."I am yours and yours alone, completely", my heart was overwhelmingly taken capture by God. I knew then that it was all in His time and in His hands for the very second and very children I was to mother.

I truly believe in the amazing and awesome power that He has if you will completely surrender your will to what He has planned for your life. I know that I have not done everything perfectly, but when I look at my two precious little girls I know that they are made in His perfect image. They were given to me by Him. We were made to go along on the journey together.

Four and a half years ago, my husband and I answered God's call of adoption that we had discussed since we had been dating and began the foster-care process. Little did we know that our sweet Kate was being conceived the very month of our obedience...it is amazing still today at the hand of my Savior. Our precious child was born early...too early...not by her own doing. We were vacationing in Florida and received a call from our local DCS office of a little girl weighing 2lbs 13oz....we came home right away. There were possibilities discussed at the time of her having challenges...it mattered not.

Our Kate...her name meant 'pure, little darling'. That she was and is.

Jump forward a year and we receive the most devastating diagnosis any two parents could imagine. The possibility of losing our child. The chance that our little girl will never walk. The possibility that she may never do the things that other children do. Seizures. Infantile Spasms. Later on the diagnosis of autism. Multiple hospital stays. Almost losing her. Hours of therapy weekly. Seizure remission. Seizure return. GOD remains our stronghold. HE never let go.

Another year later. Failed adoption...no understanding...believing God had a purpose and a plan through the pain. I had dream I knew was from the Lord that I would be holding a child on Christmas eve of 2009...how would this happen if this adoption had failed???

November 11, 2009 brings a phone call of great joy! Our second miracle had been born and would be handed to us in a stocking a mere 8 days before Christmas. God, once again, had OVERWHELMED me with His amazing hand of grace and power! Our Christmas miracle, our Layla....'dark beauty'....that she is was His precious gift to us!

Many people may look at my life and see the struggle and heartache...but take a deeper look friends. Do you see the joy? GOD always shows up. Always.

By the way, our Kate, that sweet, brave and awesome little girl with such struggles....she took her first steps this last week! GOD still works miracles everyday...it is our job to give HIM the glory for those miracles!

Lord, it is my prayer that you will continue to, "Take my heart, take my soul. I surrender everything to your control. And let all this is within me lift up to you and say I am yours and yours alone. Completely."

So Hopeful...

2010-12-16T11:38:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning we made the trip to Kate's neurologist to have her VNS turned on. Alot of people have been under the assumption that it was already on after her surgery, however, it was not.

She is not in pain with this stimulator on and inside of her. At it's current setting it is on for 7 seconds and off for 30 seconds 24 hours a day. When it's on and she hollars or makes a sound her voice vibrates due to the little tickle it gives her. We have used the magnet twice thus far for her seizures and have seen it work fairly quickly. We will not see a dramatic decrease in seizure activity most likely at this setting of the VNS.

Once again, for those of you that do not know this surgery was a 1-2 year commitment. It may take that amount of time to get to the right setting for Kate to see if this is what will be successful for her. We are optimistic and know that ultimately it is in God's hands, not ours. It's always been in His hands... right where we want to be.

We know that she is such a little trooper in all she goes through--she has a story to be told--and she tells it with that bright smile of hers--it's always on that sweet face of hers no matter what is going on with her. Pure joy in it's finest form!

So we are hopeful. So hopeful.

~Kandra

In His Grip

2010-12-06T06:55:00.000-08:00

The last two weeks have been hard. My heart has been hit with more than I ever thought I was able to withstand. God does promise that He will never give you more than you will be able to handle with His great hand to hold and direct you.

My father went in for a stress test two weeks ago (3 days before Thanksgiving) and while there they found what is called a "widowmaker". They ended up taking him by ambulance to Vanderbilt where they did double bypass surgery. He was given the title of a 'walking miracle'. One of the doctors told us that he would have been walking the next week and most likely would have just passed away. Miracle indeed. He rescued my father. God embraced our family.

Kate, my little trooper, went in for surgery of her own--six days later at Vanderbilt as well. She did very well. We were and still are very hopeful that this procedure for her seizures will work. Kate has endured so much and we have had little success to treat or help her. Continuing to pray for our little miracle.

My dear friend Sandy of 11 years went to be with Jesus. Yes, I am overjoyed that she met our Creator, but overtaken with grief for her husband, two children (6 & 4), mom and dad. This woman lived her life for an audience of one. A legacy that her kids will have forever. Sandy fought lupus for many years and then several months ago was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. It quickly took over her--even though she fought with a smile and laughter. She proclaimed the name of Jesus the entire time! I was honored to sing at her services on Saturday...a memory I will treasure always.

I don't know why, but this morning I am overwhelmed with emotion. I think that things are just catching up with me. I am finding it cathartic to write--let's face it this blog really is just for me anyways. :) I know that I have hope in Him and I believe that He has me in His grip. Trusting in Him day by day.

~K

God is so good.

2010-10-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Everyone of us that ever went to Sunday School or Vacation Bible School has heard that simple song. Such a very simple melody to the song. Very repetitive. Most kids like it because it's over really fast. I wonder though how many of us ever really got the simple, yet powerful message in the song.

God is so good. He took my sin. Now I am FREE. He's so good to me.

As a child, I remember singing the song with all three lines. It was instilled in my brain at an early age. I was blessed to be raised in a home where Jesus was talked about on a daily basis. As a teenager, in fact, my mothers last words to us before we would leave the house were, "Remember Whose you are." Such powerful words. They kept us from doing things we shouldn't, not only because we would disappoint our parents, but because we would disappoint Him.

I love the simple words of this song, because they are easy for a preschooler to learn. They are easy for them to remember in the middle of the night one day when they are older because they were etched on their heart at an early age.

I am watching my girls learn things, especially Layla-doo, soak things up like a little sponge. She's learned where her nose is (and mine too), to say baby when she holds hers...etc. It's amazing what she learns so quickly. I am realizing that she soaks up what we put out! As parents, we have been given the responsibility to teach our little ones about who He is and what He has done. There are so many ways in which to do so--the first is by example. A task that I am daily humbled by. I am so far from perfect and hope to lead my girls in the direction that they should go...and then I am comforted by that simple little song with powerful words.

God is so good. He took my sin. Now I am FREE. He's so good to me.

Love in any language.

2010-09-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

The little things matter so much...wouldn't you agree? My husband and I took a little test when we got married on what our love language was...it was pretty accurate to a certain degree because the number one on my list was words of affirmation and the second was gifts. As we have been together for so long, my second love language changed...perhaps I am just no longer the person I once was. It has become quality time together-which let's face it with toddlers is hard to come by.

We've been talking lately about alot of things going on in our life...and some big changes that have taken place and changes that are in progress and I began remembering the day that we took those tests and began remembering his love languages. I started thinking about the fact that his were different from mine. I started thinking about all the things that I do for him and the things that I stress about and continually get angry that he doesn't notice or frustrated because of the fact that I become overwhelmed...but then I remember that we both have different love languages. We both see each other through different perspectives.

This made me question the way I was loving my own husband. Am I loving him the way that he needs to be loved, or am I loving him in my love language? I realized that I had fallen into the habit of sending him sweet notes or things of that nature--and while it is sweet--it is not how he feels respected and loved.

This week my husband sent me an email that said, "I love you so very much. This song is how I feel about you. Listen to it... Love, Stephen" The song was by Michael W. Smith and is called You Belong to Me. I instantly began to cry. The song was beautiful, but it's what was behind the song for me. The fact that I knew my husband had been thinking about me when he was listening to it and that these words affirmed how he felt about me. It isn't that I didn't know it or needed to be told it...it's just that when you live each day, each crazy hectic day, in love with someone and you may not get to really have that opportunity to just be with them...those little things add up.

He loved me in my language. You see...I don't think you can just love someone in any language. I do believe you have to know their language. You need to know what reaches them.

Much love,
Kandra

Side Effects

2010-08-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

Most of you who actually read this blog know me. I am a positive person most of the time. I try to keep a very upbeat, chipper and cheerful attitude about my outlook on life because I have the one thing that so many people in this world are desperately looking for-joy that comes from the Lord. Lately though, Satan is doing everything in his earthly power to try and steal that joy. My Kate, has had a horrible reaction to seizure medication that has caused her to continuously break out in the most horrendous rash. It goes away with several medications and then when the medications leave her system it returns.

Yesterday morning when I went to her room to get her out of bed she was standing in her bed waiting for me...I had let both the girls play for about 5-10 minutes in their beds, as they were talking and I enjoy listening to them when they are sweet like that on the monitors. (Kate doesn't talk nearly as much with you as she does by herself. :) ) When I went in there my heart sank. Her left eye was swollen shut from the rash...she was once again covered head to toe. I literally picked her up, immediately gave her meds, and rubbed her down with aloe (you can give me advice on something else...but this is what has soothed her the most...other stuff hasn't).

I sat in her floor and just started crying, she leaned back and looked at me and started grinning like I was silly, which in turn made me start laughing...like "Yes, Kate, your mom has lost it...she just can't take one more thing for you."

I prayed about it and we went on about our day. She has no bumps this morning...yet. Even if she does end up with bumps today we will deal with it head on-because the one thing I do know is that she is a little fighter. She has fought more battles in three years than any child should ever have to fight. Her story is one of victory...because every morning that she wakes up and smiles she has overcome more than most of us overcome in a lifetime. My voiceless three year old with seizures, developmental delay, and a painful rash all over her body is able to smile at me through all of it.

These last two weeks have been more than difficult-they have been overwhelming...I get frustrated when she's crying all day...because I am human. I become emotionally drained at the thought of waking up one more night...because I am human. I question God because I don't understand His ways...because I am human....but then I remember that He is the One who gave her to me. He gave Kate to me, and I couldn't imagine loving a little girl anymore. If she can smile through it all, so can I. I can say this...Satan didn't steal my joy today. He won't tomorrow, or the next. Not ever. I'm not perfect...nor do I claim to be...and I do get stressed alot, but God is writing our story and I believe it is going to have a magnificent ending...because the books I've read with the sorrow in the middle-always have the most magnificent ending!

(Side note: We do leave for Le Bonheur Children's in Memphis soon...please keep Kate in your prayers...it will be a rough week for her with lots of testing.)

Much love,
Kandra

Radical

2010-08-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

So, I just recently finished reading a book by David Platt called, "Radical"...perhaps one of the most amazing, challenging and I will be completely honest when I say convicting books I have ever read second to the bible.

There are so very many things that the author brings to light in the book but the things that grabbed hold of me were some of the more basic things...the things that I can do currently from where I am. His book talks about taking hold of the American dream and turning it upside down. He phrases it differently and explains it more eloquently, but the point is we have it wrong as Christians. We have lost site of what our job is here on earth for our brief time we have...and that is to reach those who have not heard about our Jesus. That is what I soaked up in the book. Others have read it and may have gotten more from it...but I got that it doesn't matter what God asks you to do, if it means He asks you to sell your home, to leave your family...whatever it is that He may ask...you must know in your heart of hearts that you will do it...because He is Lord of Lords. The point isn't to second guess Him and say that He would never do those things...the point is to follow Him wherever He leads and go where He sends me.

He tells us to go into all of the nations and preach His word...not some of us, but all of us. I am guilty of believing that people were called into the mission field...or giving money so that others could go on mission trips. Granted, things are harder for me to go on mission trips with a special needs child...but if I know the Lord is telling me to go...He will provide a way to go. That is the amazing thing about our Jesus--He is our ALL.

I don't have all the answers. I have many questions for God some day. Not everything in my life has gone how I thought it would go...in fact some days are very hard...amazing enough those are the days I couldn't do without Him. I do know this-that He loves me more than any person has ever loved me. There is not one person who loves me flaws and all. There is no one in the world that forgives me for everything and pours out another helping of grace...always. Jesus is my source. I am so ready to be radical about Him.

Adoption Day & Kate's 3rd Birthday!

2010-08-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Time keeps on sailing by...oh so quickly. Layla is nine months old today and Kate just had her 3rd birthday! We just can't believe how fast she is growing and all the things she is learning every day and that our first baby just turned three. It seems impossible.

As many of you know Layla had to be in our home for six months in order to do the court portion of the adoption due to TN laws and we celebrate that on July 23rd! It was an incredible day of celebration. She wore the same dress her sister wore for her adoption and we had many friends and there for the joyous day! Following the court hearing we had a big party with cake and several deserts and had everyone take a picture with Layla and each of them write letters to her for a book we made for the day! The pictures went beside the letter that each person wrote for her to read about her special day in the future!

Most of you know by now that adoption is extremely close to my heart...but today as I am writing this blog I am listening to the sound of my husband on the floor with my two beautiful little girls playing and the occasional outburst of laughter from their little bodies and all that comes to me is love. Love far beyond what I could ever convey in words. I know that God has richly blessed us more than we deserve and I am eternally grateful.

On another note, we also celebrated Kate's 3rd birthday in the mix of things! She was actually sick and not feeling her very best...but that did not stop her from doing the cake and icecream thing! Would it really stop any girl from eating chocolate cake? I think not.

We joined my parents and did a double celebration with her and my dad to celebrate both of their birthday's! They are 50 years apart! Sweet, huh? Those two are like two peas in a pod. Kate is blessed with incredible grandparents...whom she adores and the feeling is mutual. Pogo and Bueala are her biggest fans. Aunt Mu was there as well to celebrate...she took lots of pictures and is always there for extra loving for the girls! They adore her and Uncle A (who by the way is in the USAF and gone and deeply missed right now)! Needless to say Kate was showered with toys and cake and lots of love for her birthday!

We have had a busy last few weeks with a ton of blessings! Everyday holds a blessing if you allow yourself to see it!

He knows.

2010-07-14T05:31:00.000-07:00

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; and He knows those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7

Our Savior is in touch with each and every one of us. The bible says He knows the number of hairs on my head. The Lord is a loving God and is there for me when I need Him. When I am unable to express what it is that my soul is searching for He already knows. The days that I feel as though I can't go on...He gives me what I must have to do so. He knows. I trust, He gives. The thing that continually amazes me about my Jesus is that even when I don't fully trust Him...He fully gives of Himself. When I am at my breaking point and I just don't understand His reasoning He intercedes for me and prays on behalf of me.

He knows. He knows me.

People ask me...

2010-05-25T06:33:00.000-07:00

People often ask me what a day is like with Kate and her special needs and the challenges of now adding a second bundle of energy nicely named Layla-Doo...I often just grin.

I recently had someone with the audacity to say to me, "When I heard you adopted a second child I thought to myself WHAT were you thinking?" That person obviously does not know the true joy of children, nor does she cherish the big and small triumphs that children bring. However, I can not say that a day in my life is not challenging. Anyone around me can say that I generally do not cry in front of people...I do not like to be vulnerable in front of others...but things change when you realize you can't be everything to everyone all the time.

There are days, like today, that I am able to take Kate's diagnosis in stride and roll with the punches--fight it head on. I treasure the fact that she continues to cuddle for hours at a time when other almost three year old children no longer do so. I love the fact that I am able to read her like a book by the faces she makes and the body language she gives-no words are necessary. Her eyes give her away. It is a blessing that even though she has seizures...I am able to tell that she is about to have one by hearing the way she breathes differently over the monitor. These are gifts given to me. There are days that I wake up and I wish so desperately that she would talk to me. Walk. Run. Play with the other children. Do arts and crafts. Paint me a picture for the fridge (that I don't like stuff on--for those that know me.) :)

Layla-Doo is crawling...she goes everywhere. Everywhere Katerbug goes she follows. It took awhile for Katerbug to warm up to her...but the two are now able to be in the playroom together without me fearing harms-way for Layla-Doo! Watching Layla smile, laugh and admire her sister is one of my greatest joys. There is nothing like seeing the interaction of your children. That love is precious. Layla knows nothing of her sisters limitations...just that she is bigger and cool right now--and that is how it will always be. She will always know Kate for who she is...to me that is the most amazing thing between their relationship. A love like no other.

Life is challenging...two not walking is hard. Seizures are hard. Allergic reactions to medicines is very trying. Lining up naptime--difficult. Multiple therapy sessions-time consuming. Loving two miraculous little girls given to me and my husband by God--EASY.

People ask me--what were you thinking? It's called love.

Time in a Bottle

2010-03-24T05:10:00.001-07:00

You know the song right? But oh, if we could actually do that...put time in a bottle. I think most of us mom's would think we had struck gold for sure!

Yesterday I thought that I had certainly had the best day-Kate wasn't whining when I left the room and she was quiet and every time I looked in on her she had climbed up onto the couch (her new thing). I was content with that because it was the first day in a long time that I haven't dealt with screaming and tantrums. After her nap she was clingy and just wanted to be held and then she started getting whiny and Stephen took her to the play room to let her do her whiny bit there...and she stopped and I came out there and she was on the floor about to go to sleep again after an almost 3 hour nap. She climbed up on my lap and cuddled for over an hour and then I realized she was warm--GREAT MOM!! She'd been quiet all day--that should have been my clue! We decided to feed her dinner (because of course it has medicine it) and she wouldn't hardly eat because she had the chills. So I took her temperature and it was high--it will always amaze me when she gets sick--we aren't around children, she never sits in carts when we go places and her hands are washed all the time--because she has a harder time fighting things off. We gave her a warm bath and put pj's on and she just stayed in bed with me and cuddled for a long time-till daddy looked at her and asked her if she wanted to go night-night...and she did.

I guess my point in this long explanation of my sick baby girl is that I was given time (not in a bottle) yesterday and Kate wasn't whiny or throwing any tantrum's...but she needed mommy yesterday. No, I am not a bad mom and I know that--but I was so consumed with what NEEDED to be done in my house and the things that truly don't matter--dishes, laundry and a clean house are just not a priority when it comes down to it...sure, you don't live them piled up...but see it all in perspective.

I'm working on all of that...seeing everything in my life in perspective.

Latest and Greatest

2010-03-04T04:39:00.000-08:00

So...in our household there is always news. I will try to quickly update you in an upbeat and perky fashion. Our sweet Kate had another EEG recently that showed that her seizures are still present-which we already knew because we were seeing them. We have been having incredible difficulty getting her to eat and we have put her on an appetite supplement in order to try and increase her desire to eat--some of her anti-seizure meds have the effect of no appetite and we don't want to take her off of those meds because they are slowing the seizures down.

We have been watching Kate for a few months and began to notice several sensory issues in Kate--things that we love about her and things that frustrate us. Kate has several of the signs of Autism but not all of the key symptoms that would make you immediately jump to that conclusion because of her incredible personality and eye contact and people skills...however, she has no verbal communication, she is toe walking when she does walk (around furniture and side stepping)...a huge list of sensory processing issues, sleep problems, food issues, etc. The list goes on and on with things that point to Autism disorders. The thing I believe that just really hurt for Stephen and I is when we began doing all of our research and we found articles on Infantile Spasms and Autism. When we found that and realized that it was a possibility for her to develop Autism and we never knew that...or that our neurologist hadn't ever discussed it with us it just frustrated us. We know that his goal has been seizure control because without that Kate cannot improve her development--but we still feel like we should have been told.

Kate is on the waiting list at Vanderbilt for testing at their TRIAD center for autism. We will wait and see...she may not have autism and that is fine--although I know that she has sensory processing issues--of that I am certain.

She is wearing glasses now--that is a constant battle of "No, Kate don't touch." She is also wearing braces on her feet when we can keep her shoes on her feet, which is another battle...lately it feels like we are at war...which I believe is common with a 2 year old. This 2 year old is just different--she has no words every thing is whining or crying or throwing a fit. I know that she is frustrated...which makes me so very heartbroken for her.

We are starting flashcard therapy in speech for her in hopes that she will be able to point to certain things and communicate with us that way as well as trying to implement sign language back in now that she is older and we are seeing a little bit more control of her fine motor skills. She recently learned how to put objects inside of a container!! Yeah! (Fine motor) Kate is such a beautiful child...it just pains us to see her struggle for every single thing that she does. When she smiles the whole world just melts away and when those two little arms go around your neck it really doesn't matter what has happened...because she's hugging you.

As for miss Layla-D, well her little rear is golden...so she thinks. She will start crying because her little self is laying on the floor beside you and you pick her up and she smiles at you and then squeals really loud with delight. No one can believe how loud and I mean LOUD she is. This child talks non-stop. All the time and all day long. I don't believe I have ever seen a child that smiles and coos as much as Layla. We have one happy baby girl. It could be from the fact that she is spoiled as spoiled can be--which is our fault.

She is rolling over both ways and starting to hold things in her hands a little bit...not a whole lot. If a pillow or blanket is close by she loves things by her cheeks. She loves to be held in your arms with your hand on her cheek and she'll hold your thumb with one hand and your pinky with the other hand and go to sleep...probably one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.

We have two sweet, sweet girls....blessed beyond words. Couldn't imagine life without these two.

Puzzles

2010-02-03T06:40:00.000-08:00

Do you remember being a kid and putting together a puzzle and you always get the corners in first, then the edges...but then it gets harder. The pieces begin to not want to go where you think that they should and you can try to wedge them in, but they have a specific place that they are meant to go and the point of doing the puzzle is to find that spot that the piece belongs. Don't you remember when you finished doing the puzzle as a kid that sense of completion and joy?

You can take that scenario and compare it to God's plan for your life. You need a firm foundation in Him in order for your puzzle to have a chance, and your edges need to be guarded with the wisdom and knowledge of His word. All the pieces of the puzzle of your life have a purpose and they tell the story that God has designed for your life...for my life. I am at a place in my life where the some of my puzzle pieces seem as if I am trying to wedge them in.

I'm praying about the people in my life that should and shouldn't be there, I am praying about what I am involved in that I shouldn't be, I am praying for my children that I am the mother that they deserve, I am praying for my husband that I can be the supportive wife that I need to be, I am praying that God shows me the pieces of the puzzle that I need to start putting together so that He can complete the design that He has planned.

Puzzles are neat in that they only have enough pieces to fit perfectly....it's a good thing that God allows us to make mistakes and we are given GRACE and He allows us to re-work that puzzle.

Top 10 2010 Goals

2010-01-24T05:52:00.000-08:00

1- Meet the Lord when I tell Him I will.
2- Make my best friend, my husband, a valued and loved position.
3- Treasure everyday with my little girls as they fly past me.
4- Remember that my body is a temple and I should treat it as such. (no reaching for that second donut...or really for the first, I suppose)
5- Value the friends that God has blessed me with, the friends that have been in my life for many years, the friends that have recently come into my life. Nurture them and treat them as family.
6- Work hard for The 1:27 Call. I believe deeply that there truly could be no orphan left on this planet if we as Christians did what the Lord calls us to do...if we would just do it.
7- I need to take the girls nap times to actually get things that need to be done...done.
8- Take the date nights out with my brother...love having one on one time with him.
9- Spend more time with mom and dad...I already spend alot of time with mom...but I love just sitting around visiting and making memories.
10- One of the most important things in the world to me is advice my dad gave me...and that was to live like today was my last day and that when you are with whoever you are with...treat them like you'll never see them again. If you do that you'll re-think almost every conversation you have and every word you speak. I don't always do that, but it does come into my mind and make me re-think alot of what I say to people.

Pray daily, laugh harder, love deeply...

New Year...Blessed Life

2010-01-01T07:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

I have such a blessed life. I have always had such a blessed life. Through all our struggles with our sweet Kate, God has surrounded me with the richest friendships and the most precious of souls to comfort me. Those times were perhaps the moments that have made me the person the person that I am and although it may sound odd to many, I don't know that I would change much of it.

Yes, the hurt and pain for my daughter I would instantly want to be removed...but the growth and knowledge that I have gained from my deeper understanding of falling in love with the Lord because that is the only person you can trust, can go to, can run to , can have faith in , can believe in, can fully know has the ability to take away any of the hurt that your family is going through.

With 2009 came alot of pain for our family, but with that pain God was always there. He was there for the return of seizures, the failed adoption and the trying times of Layla's adoption. The point is He is always there. Just because you don't know the answer, can't see the plan, don't understand it...He's still there.

Our God is so good and it is my hope and prayer that in 2010 I use the gifts and talents that the Lord has given me for His purpose and plan. I am excited about The 1:27 Call and all that He has planned for the orphan ministry and I know that God truly has put a calling in my life for the call of the orphan. I am so excited to see what happens this year in that arena!

I am also excited to see what the Lord does in the life of my family...in my daughter Kate. I believe that God has a plan for her and I don't always know what it involves and those weeks that we have seizures everyday are hard, but I trust Him and I remind myself that He loves her more than I do. I am so very blessed to have two amazing daughters in Kate and Layla. The blessing of Layla at the time of Christmas...was just a special gift. I am looking forward to God molding me into a godly mom wife. With the addition of a second child, I am praying that I learn to make sure to keep my husband my best friend as he truly is.

There are no resolutions here on this blog...I am just reflecting and excited to see what God has in store for me this next year! Hoping that you have a blessed year!

Our Sweet Second Daughter!

2009-12-30T09:12:00.000-08:00

Well...the waiting is over...she's finally here! December 18th we went and picked up our sweet little girl. I can't begin to explain the amazing day. We thought that it would never come and God continues to show us that He has us in the palm of His hand...even when our faith falls short. I remember that our case worker here in Nashville told us to pretend as though it wasn't going to happen and to go on with our lives...but I couldn't do that because not only was it giving up on our daughter, but it was giving up on God and what He has the power to do.

She was born at 5 lbs. 13 oz. and is heavenly...dimples the size of Texas when she smiles. Her eyes light up every single time you look at her. She immediately responded to us as if she knew who we were, we know that God had has loving arms wrapped around our little family so that she would bond to us quickly.

Our sweet Kate has her moments of love and not so much love. :) It's been an adjustment for her, as it is for every child. We've been a little bit more cautious with her as she has limitations on how she can convey her emotions...but there have been precious moments between the two of them and Layla just stares at Kate with the sweetest gaze.

We look forward to watching them grow together. We are just so very blessed to have two beautiful girls and glad to have Layla home!

Still Waiting...

2009-12-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

Isn't that a movie title? A movie I haven't seen... I was talking to a friend recently and described our current adoption situation with our precious second girl as "limbo". She came back with the answer that limbo was only fun with a fruity drink in your hand in a conga line! I found that to be the comedic relief that I needed at that moment.

I won't go into detail on this blog about the who's, what's, where's and why's of this adoption and why we don't have a baby here in our arms like we thought we were supposed to. Things don't always happen like you are told, or like we think they are going to. God has the whole picture in front of him...in fact I can let you in on a little secret...He designed it.

We continue to trust Him. I will not lie to you, it's hard. I have worn out the caseworker in the city where our sweet girl is. She gets text messages from me more times than I am sure she desires...but she has to know that this is a life that two people are praying for and have longed to parent. We always knew we wanted several children and God blessed us with the miracle of Katerbug and He has abundantly blessed our lives in more ways than we can count by allowing us to be on the story of her life...oh the stories we've been blessed to be a part of. Tough ones, sweet ones, sad ones...any of the stories that involve her eyebrows....too funny for words.

Now to be a part of this next miracle would be truly miraculous, however, we know that whether or not it happens...we are still in His hand. Protected. Shielded. Loved. We want His plan.

We are waiting, we are praying....still.

The 1:27 Call/ Foster Care Christmas Party

2009-12-04T05:40:00.000-08:00

Last night was perhaps one of the most incredible nights I've had in awhile. It was one of those times where you are so busy and yet so at peace at the exact same time...weird, huh?

I haven't blogged about this yet but I am now. I am blessed to be a part of a non-profit orphan ministry called The 1:27 Call. We are dedicated to the cause of the orphan: locally and internationally. Locally, we support foster care and our children's home. It is also our desire to implement orphan ministries within churches to reach more children. To learn more about our ministry you can go to http://www.the127call.org.

Last night we held a Christmas party for all of the foster care children in our area. A great deal of planning went into this ordeal. Many organizations donated their services, food and the party went off very well. What was so absolutely incredible was seeing the children light up when Santa walked into the room...it was precious! They got so excited! We also arranged for the children to have their picture professionally taken with Santa in this little area that we had specially decorated for them...some of these children had never had their picture taken with Santa before. As they took their picture with Santa we asked their foster parent how old they were and we got the appropriate age and sex gift item and handed it to Santa and it was wrapped with a bow and the child would light up like a little Christmas tree! It truly made my heart happy! For one night these children didn't have to think about anything but fun games, presents, good food and being loved on...

On the website you will see we have a few statistics that will tell you that if 7% of the 2 million christian families would take just one orphan....their would be no orphans. Staggering to think it could all be stopped...

It was a wonderful night, a night I truly will treasure...faces of children permanently in my memory. Thank you Lord for the gift of working in this ministry.

Waiting is the hardest part...

2009-11-27T11:50:00.000-08:00

Most of our friends and family know that we were called almost three weeks ago and told that we had been chosen as the adoptive parents of a beautiful baby girl. This news was beyond joyful! We have a beautiful and miraculous child who fills our life with so much love and laughter...so to be blessed with another little girl...that is just absolutely delightful.

Many of you know that we had a failed adoption at the beginning of the year and that was pure heartache, but we know that it was not God's will, not His timing nor was it the child that was meant to be ours. I have come to realize many things through my journey through life thus far...but the one thing that means the most to me is the fact that I do not want to have anything, gain anything or be anything that isn't in His plan, His script...His road-map for my life. Our struggles, battles, hills and valleys with Katerbugs health have been torturous at times, but they have caused me to fall on my face in complete surrender to God. There is nowhere to go besides the Lord when you are facing storms that have to do with your child.

So here we are...news that is amazing and wonderful...but there are bumps...big and small. However, God knows what is right for our family and He knows what this precious miracle needs. Regardless of how much we already love her...He loves her infinitely more than we do. We have to trust in His mighty plan and wait. Waiting is the hardest part. Wait for no. Wait for yes. Whatever His plan is...trusting it is the key. God doesn't have a plan of calamity for us, He knows the desires of my heart and He knows what is best for this precious little girl we hope will be our daughter.

Whatever His plan is...we are trusting Him, praising Him and waiting.

Coffee

2009-10-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are days when you just don't understand the reasons that things are the way that they are. Yesterday morning I woke up feeling just that way. I woke up with a knot in my throat, the feeling like I was about to cry...all day. I couldn't get it to go away. It was there all day...lurking around just waiting for the opportune time to peak it's head in and make me bawl like a baby.

It was raining, my daughters second therapy session was cancelled so she only had her first session which meant I was getting us both around for a 45 minute session to drive in the rain and get out in the rain...which leads on further to my next rant....my cars automatic clicker does not work currently so I am having to unlock my door and walk around to put Katerbug in the car...which today meant getting drenched. While driving to said therapy session, my windshield wipers in the back decided to not work. I called my husband and he said that with both of those problems along with our heat in the car working intermittently, we were having electrical problems with the car and we needed to take it in....hmmmmph.

So, a Starbucks run helped a little. Not completely. Sad that I admitted that coffee is one of my guilty pleasures. But it is. It helps...but I do it low fat, so that does help. It just seemed that every little thing kept raking on me. Kate has a neurology appointment today and I knew that...so we had to work getting our car around that and she has therapy on Thursday and Friday and this is our only vehicle with a backseat...and then I got so frazzled about that and her having IS I was crying and had to stop and pray and ask God to calm me down.........

You thought that this was just going to be a ramble about my bad morning, huh? The point of the entire morning is that I never even thought about God until half way through my day when I had let my day get to the point of me crying over something I have peace about but let other regular day to day things and just a rainy morning take hold of me. I also didn't start my morning out in scripture spending time with the Lord. It's amazing to me how quickly that I let coffee try to fix me instead of going to God. Starbucks is good, but it isn't that good.

Christmas

2009-10-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

Those of you who know me well know that I am most likely the one person in your life who loves Christmas the most. I am the only one who begins listening to Christmas music at the end of September, the only one who gets giddy when stores put out the Christmas displays and ornaments when others get annoyed that they put it out earlier and earlier every year, I am the only person in your life who puts their tree up the day after Halloween…and I am probably one of the people in your life who hums too much Christmas music.

I have no excuses, no hidden reasons, no childhood drama that explains away the reasoning. My mother loves Christmas…she made Christmas magical with her decorating, her baking of cookies, the smell of fudge and homemade goodies. My dad was always the one selecting the music that we decorated the tree by and I can remember from year to year the exact songs we listened to growing up. My brother and I would decorate with my mom and dad would only help with the tinsel. I had the most amazing childhood, the most incredible set of parents and brother you could ask for.

Christmas has always been made to be about Jesus in my house. We always read the Christmas story. I always knew that Christ was to be the center of all the celebrating. It wasn’t about the gifts…and it still isn’t. I love the spirit of Christmas. The music, the lights, the car rides to go look at lights, the Christmas Eve service at our church, snuggling by the fire with my husband and looking at our tree, watching my daughter look at the splendor of Christmas and seeing the magic for herself and experience things for herself.

Christmas for me is truly magical, it allows me the ability to celebrate the Savior that came to save me on that holy night. I am so thankful for the season of Christmas…although I carry it with me all year around, I get to celebrate it with all the beautiful things of Christmas.

Half-full or Half-empty

2009-09-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

Every once in awhile I will get asked the question, "Are you a glass half-empty or glass half-full kind of person?" I will sit for a moment, ponder the question and look back at them and say, "glass half-full." This scenario crossed my mind the other day and I asked myself the question. The fact is that to say I am half-full is quite sad, wouldn't you say? I believe that there is so much more to that question than one would think...what the person is really asking you is... "Do you see the world as a negative, God-less and sad place half of the time or do you see the world as a positive, God-breathed and hopeful place half of the time?"

Some of you might think I am reading more into that question than I should, but I just feel like if you have Jesus in your heart you have a full glass. There is no need to say that you see the world as half-full. It is a way to share your faith with the world. A way to shine your light to a dark world.

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are, where you've been, what you've done-He'll meet you where you are. If it's anger in your heart because of the things that you have faced in your life, He sees it and knows it. He longs to help you get rid of it and to bring you to a place of renewal. There is a great deal of pain in this world-pain of loosing those we love, pain of fighting sickness of our own, pain of our children being ill and the anger that we have of not being able to heal them--God knows and He sees it--but what we have to remember is God does not cause these things, but He loves us and wants to comfort us and meet us where we are.

So is your glass half-empty or half-full? I know that Jesus can make it a full-glass.

Frame of Mind

2009-08-31T09:28:00.000-07:00

Can I even begin to put into words my current state of mind? Can I even begin to tell you where my heart is right now? Can I even start to explain what I think about all day long?

I don't think that is something that I am capable of doing. My current frame of mind is something that changes daily. Most days you will see me being alive and optimistic and other days I am struggling to make it through...but most people will only see the smile and the "everything is going to be okay" face. How can I be anything but faithful? How can I be anything but godly and trustworthy? How do I praise Him in the storm? How do I see that even though my child is literally being taken away from me several times a day--God is there?

Friday night my Kate began having a seizure at about 4:45 this seizure kept going and she began having a headache and she began furrowing her eyebrows and crying in pain, so we did the usual routine of tylenol and holding her for comfort. Twenty-five minutes into the seizure she was still restless and upset so we ran a bath and I got in to hold her because this generally calms her down...as Stephen was about to hand her to me she fell backwards, lifeless into his arms and stopped breathing I got out of the tub and ran to her--this happened four times, the fifth and sixth time her face turned blue as it had in the hospital and these times were the longer times where she was non-responsive and completely lifeless. When she gasped for air the sixth time she came to for a few second and began breathing normally and went into a deep sleep for about 2 hours.

This scenario is likely to happen again, we have medicines to stop it before it does hopefully. This is a scary scene and we were overwhelmed-yet calm-because we had witnessed it before...although I do not know that one can ever truly be calm when your child stops breathing in your arms.

I talked to a friend over the weekend and she reminded me to always go back to the truth. The truth of who God is. The truth that God is my comfort, He is our Healer, He is our Savior, our Redeemer, our Protector, our All. Throughout everything that we continue to go through with Kate I don't understand it all, and I look up at heaven sometimes and I say out loud to God, "I do not understand your plan." I have to trust that He doesn't have a plan of calamity for our child or for us (also His children). I have to trust that He sees the end at the beginning. I have to remind myself that "God is God and I am not and I can only see a part of the picture He's painting" (SCC). It's okay for me to kick and scream and cry and be messy with my emotions...I'm only human. That is an okay frame of mind to be in once in awhile...as long as at the end of the day I know that Jesus Christ is on His throne and He has it all, because He is our ALL.

IS Website

2009-08-19T11:44:00.001-07:00

What a week it has been for us. Kate just recently had her second round of IVIG and it doesn't seem to be working. She had seizures Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday....although she hasn't had any in the last 2 days. Some days it is difficult to tell whether or not she has had one or not because the severity of her seizures has been diminished, thankfully, by the meds and perhaps by the IVIG. Her neurologist, along with us, is still not content with the way she is doing following the IVIG. So, we are in the process of getting all of her records together to send to a specialist that has an emphasis in IS at Chicago Children's Memorial. We are getting her EEG's, her MRI's, all of her bloodwork, urinalysis, therapy reports, genetics reports...every workup that she's had done together to send to him and trying to set up an appointment. His first available appointment isn't until February of NEXT year. They are doing everything in their power to try and work her in due to the severe nature of Kate's case.

This past weekend was the one year anniversary...if you want to use the word anniversary...I always think of that word as celebratory...anyways...the one year marking of Kate being diagnosed with IS. It was a hard weekend for us. After Kate having been in remission, and knowing that the Lord had placed her there along with the help of using incredible doctors and medicine, we have just felt overwhelmed by the anguish of this never ending for our daughter. Then we look at her sweet face and know that it will end and that her sweet life is in bigger and better, more capable hands than ours...His hands. I pray that we daily remember to remind ourselves that there is no storm too great for Him to calm. Although, it is difficult to say that on a day to day basis when you have your baby in your arms that is 'not there' because a seizure has pulled her away from you. When your baby is crying in agony from a headache that a seizure has left her with. When your baby sleeps half the day away because the seizure has left her lifeless. When you sit in a hospital and look at other moms whose children are receiving treatments and realize that you are the mom of a child with special needs...and all along you continue to just think that your daughter is special. When you are struggling to fight with insurance to pay for drugs that your child needs, but they want you to pay for. When you want so badly to think about the future...but all you can think about is today....that is where faith comes in and you wonder how people in this world that are going through IS or any other disease with their child make it without Jesus? How do they cope with the fear, the anxiety?

I will say that I was blessed to come upon a website www.infantilespasms.com and become a member of that site. It has become such a blessing. It is nothing but parents of children with IS...dealing with topics from drug therapies, to discussions on surgical procedures, the stresses on your marriage, the daily struggles of having a child with IS....very beneficial.

Much love to you for now...will write again soon.

Happy Birthday Kate

2009-07-28T10:13:00.001-07:00

Today is my Kate's 2nd birthday...gulp, make that a double gulp. I can't believe how quickly these last two years have gone by. Time goes by so fast...our lives have been filled with joy that is indescribable all because of a little girl that came into our lives at 2 lbs. 13 oz. on July 28, 2007.

Her life is a miracle story from the very beginning, a story of God's grace and amazing power of placing people where they are supposed to be in order to work out His plan for a child to end up in the family they are supposed to be in. Kate has captured our hearts and will capture the heart of most anyone she meets. Her smile and her ability to cut her eyes at you...as comedic as her daddy and learning to be sassy like her momma.

We are so thankful to have been chosen by the Lord to be her parents. We know that it is a special gift to raise children...for children really aren't ours, are they? They are His. He just allows us the privilege of raising them to know Him, to serve Him and love Him...so that hopefully they will grow up to do the same thing. I long to instill in Kate a passion and love for Jesus above and beyond anything else. I know that my little girl is going to face many obstacles in her life...learning difficulties, physical disabilities, speech issues, seizures...etc...but God has already taken victory over those things for her and I believe wholeheartedly that Kate will have the ability to see Jesus regardless of her situation.

I have so many, many wishes for Kate on her birthday...but mostly I long for her to have no more days of seizures. We'll continue to pray to the one who can make that happen, instead of wishing! :) Enjoy the tiny baby pictures...can you believe how little she was?

Kate's IVIG Tomorrow

2009-07-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is our big day...Kate goes in to Vanderbilt to have the IVIG procedure for 3 days. We are so hopeful that this will work and be successful in causing the seizures to stop...but yet we are so anxious about our daughter being in the hospital and the fears of infection and worries of her body not accepting the treatment...we know that God has her wrapped in a cocoon of protection as we know His love for our daughter far surpasses anything that we could imagine, yet this afternoon my heart is searching for peace.

As I began to sort through her clothes to pack her a bag, knowing that she'd have to leave one arm out for the IV and I wanted her to be warm in the cold hospital, I lost it. I dropped to my knees in her room. I do my very best to keep it together, and stay positive and optimistic and remember that all things work for His glory...because I truly believe that with all of my heart...but today, this is my little girl that is going through this...my little girl that has to endure all of the things I wish I could go through for her, my little miracle...my Kate.

Thankfully, Kate was with my mom today, and I was able to collect myself privately and not cry in front of her...because she is at an age where she detects emotion and gets upset...I was able to let it out and release it before God. I know that He loves me more than I can fathom or deserve...so this momma just asked for a peace to know that Kate would handle this procedure and these next three days would go by quickly. I pray that this procedure works, of course I do, but I pray His ultimate will in her life, first and foremost.

Asking for prayers for my Kate for the next few days...

Kate's Momma

His Love

2009-07-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

I enjoy reading blogs that make me thankful for all that I have, don't you? You know the blogs that uplift you and cause a stir in you to challenge you to do more, say more, take action, be Christ to more people...to just show Him to people, not by preaching but by living it and loving them.

I am always reading adoption blogs and looking at websites devoted to orphans and people who are ministering to orphans and I came across this website- http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/

and I was immediately in tears upon reading her entries. I immediately wanted to know more and so I began researching her organization. Amazima is the name of the organization and they do so much more than provide schooling, food and love for children...but there is a link on my blog to find out for yourself. I encourage you to read her blog as well, for it will give you a perspective unlike any other.

This week has been a very difficult one in our household...Kate has had a seizure for the last three days in a row and has just not been herself and my back has been completely out. We have had to rely on my mom for a great deal of help. We are fighting with our insurance company to pay for medicines that they aren't willing to pay for, and dealing with....what we felt was more than we could handle...and then I read her blog and my whole perspective changed. I am so richly blessed to live where I do and have what I have and am able to get for my child. Although, I know that I am able to have bad days and difficult times...I struggle with allowing myself to go to a place of feeling sorry for myself. There is a great big world out there with a lot of pain and suffering...that we are called to love. The only person in our situation that I feel badly for is my Kate...and I truly do feel for her. I feel so much for her...I am daily begging our Lord to remove the seizures from her body, to allow her to be in remission again. We are soon to have the IVIG and I am so hopeful that this procedure will be what her body needs to release her from the seizures...and that God will heal her completely. I know that He does not have a plan of calamity for us, and I trust in His plan.

Showing His love to the world is what He calls us to do...and children are such special gifts...please take the time to go to the link and read about these precious children in Uganda...and remember to pray for Kate as well. It's just simply showing His love...

Adoption Approval Letter!

2009-06-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Well, we are one step closer to the miracle of having another child in our home! We got our adoption approval letter! Now all we do is wait...and pray. Pray for the birth-mother of our unborn son or daughter and the difficult decision she is about to make and for the life of our new child. We can't wait to bring Kate a new brother or sister as we know she will make the best sibling! She is the most loving and caring little girl, her personality shines the minute that you come into contact with her. Our lives would simply be lost without this little light in it and we know that God placed her in it to shine brightly and we look forward to seeing which little light He places to shine brightly in our lives next.

We are still in a battle with Kate's seizures and that is something that we deal with on a daily basis. Some days are very difficult, but other's are really good. We do our best to keep positive attitudes and always thank God for the health that she has and the development that we haven't lost and the progress she continues to make! Her smile, her hugs and her laughter fill this house with more joy than any mom and dad could ask for. We do know that God knows all that is going on and takes this with His timing for adding to our family, so we wait patiently for our next child, knowing that His timing and His will is what is best.

We're excited, willing and looking forward to what God has in store for our family...we are on a long, bumpy road so far...but that road has made our family stronger, closer and we cling to Him all the more...and I do believe that is the point of the journey to begin with.

Tis all for now.

Random thoughts on Kate

2009-06-09T04:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I have been sitting here watching my little girl crawl all over this house...a milestone that my husband and I prayed for at least a year for her to reach...and she is getting into everything she shouldn't and making messes, eating fruit loops off the kitchen floor from yesterdays breakfast (nope I don't sweep the kitchen everyday folks--gasp!), she's so animated when she finds a receipt on the floor-it's almost like she's hit the jackpot of hidden treasure!

When I say things like, "I can't wait until she start's walking!"....people will say that I just think that and I know that they mean well but they don't know where my heart is and they aren't living in our shoes or our lives. I don't just want Kate to start walking for me, I want it for her. When she started crawling she became so much happier...a whole new world was opened up to her. A world that was shut off to her because seizures had set her back and medicines had cut her abilities down. Kate is our world...and we long for her to have the ability to see her world the way she wants to. She has so much to deal with, so much. I just long for her to be able to walk and play with other children her age...something she's not able to do. That really is the least of my daily prayers for Kate...but it still causes my heart to ache.

We have so much to be thankful for, of that I am certain. I am always reading the blogs of people whose children have Infantile Spasm syndrome....and there are children out there who have it--and their cases are so much worse than Kate. I read their stories and I pray for their families and I thank the Lord for the health that my child does have. To briefly update those who do read this blog--we are still waiting on the new medicine. She is still having seizures, some are very long and troubling. We are hopeful that we will get the new med this week.

As always, thanks for reading my blog...today is more of a ramble than a blog. Random thoughts out loud.

He Provides

2009-05-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

We've had a crazy last few weeks--I'll tell you all about it, but I had to put this picture up...too cute not to include my Kate getting her lipstick done! Now go and read the long blog!

Well, we had our home study update with AGAPE last week and it went great! All is looking good--we have to turn in our physicals (mine and Stephen's) and our adoption book, and then we are set to go. The adoption book is one page shy of being finished. For those of you that have never adopted you may be wondering what I am talking about, so I will gladly fill you in.

The adoption book contains bios and pictures of Stephen and myself growing up, dating, our wedding, our families, our daughter, vacations and pictures of our home. This is what the agency shows to birth mothers so that they can get a snapshot of our family. We obviously have a very artistic book, seeing as my husband has an art degree. It turned out incredible. I don't really want to turn it in...because they keep the ones that are really good to show to future classes as examples of what types of books to do. I'm not tooting my own horn--I'm tooting my husbands--that's different right? :)

Our caseworker did tell us to get our stuff turned in quickly because it would not take her long to update our home study, because we already had the home study from Kate's adoption. She didn't want to get our hopes up or set us up for excitement, but when she left we were both left with the feeling that we won't be waiting long for baby number two.

Our lives have been thrown into chaos over the last few weeks, Kate's Infantile Spasms have been a daily struggle for our entire family-with all her new medications and side effects. Then the regular problems that come with owning a home--however trying they may be. Yet in it all God truly does always come in the midst of the storm. Scratch what I just said--He doesn't come--He remains there throughout the sprinkles, the storm and the calm.

I remember talking to my friend and telling her that I had looked up one day and said, "Really, God? Are you serious? Do you know what's going on in my life?" Why do I continue to not trust Him? I write blogs about trusting Him. I write about His faithfulness, His steadfastness...but when it comes right down to it I stumble just as much as the next person.

The Lord provided for us--for all of the home repairs, for all of the medical bills, and for the adoption. Why? I can't answer that. He always provides. Always. I can't think of a time in my marriage where God has not provided for us.

Faith as small as a mustard seed....that's all it takes, huh? He will always provide. I must remind myself of that daily.

It is Well with My Soul

2009-04-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

What is it that makes us stronger? What is it that makes us unstoppable? What is it that makes us able to endure the things that hit us when we don't expect them to? For me...Jesus.

For some of you...there may be nothing that you cling to. You may fly by the seat of your pants. Hoping that life throws you a bone every now and again. I don't want to think of my life lived in such a manner. Life is hard. The Lord never promises you a rose garden when you decide to turn your life over to him...He just promises you that when you find the thorns, He's going to be there. Poor analogy probably, I don't intend to impress you with my words.

Right now, our life is filled with a medicine chart to keep up with who gave Kate her medicine and what dosage because she is on so many medications. Weekly visits to the neurologist, therapy sessions, her little body gaining weight from the effects of the medicine. This is not what we envisioned for our little girl...we wanted our baby to stay in remission, but she isn't and we choose to be strong for her, to be positive for her, to be faithful for her, to be hopeful for her, to be on our knees for her, to be what she needs. We know that our Lord healed her once, so how can we possibly doubt that He won't do it again? For those of you who don't have anything to cling to...I offer you Jesus. Without Him, I hope that you realize that you truly are clinging to emptiness. We would be lost without clinging to Him. It is our great faith and hope that God is going to bring her into remission again...and when He does I firmly believe that it is for a greater purpose that she is going through this. His will is so much higher than ours.

Many of you have heard the song "It is Well with My Soul", even if you have never been to church. It is perhaps one of my favorite hyms. This week it has been in my heart and in my mind...because I'll be honest, as a mom I am not always able to keep from crying for my child. I stay positive and strong, but there are times when she is sleeping and I am praying beside her crib that I cry and pray for her to be healed...and I know that the Lord is hearing my every word...and crying alongside of me. The song, "It is Well with My Soul" is written by Horatio Spafford, after losing his son, then being ruined financially due to the Great Chicago Fire--Then in 1873, he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the S.S. Ville du Havre, but sent the family ahead. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sailing ship, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone." Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- Refrain:
  It is well, with my soul,
  It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
These words have been on my heart all week long. There really is no way for me to explain how much the Lord has used this song to allow me to just make it through an afternoon that is rough... I have a version of it that I just blast and turn up loud whenever I need to hear it here at home! I encourage you to remind yourself that you need to cling to Him....he'll be there even when life isn't a rose garden. If you are one of those 'fly by the seat of your pants' people....you can't live that way for long.

Kate Update...

2009-04-22T15:17:00.000-07:00

We had an appointment with Kate's neurologist today and we were put on yet another medication. She is being put on Banzel, a drug usually saved for children who have been diagnosed with Lennox-Gastaut syndrome. She will be starting it tonight and increase the dosage every 3 days, taking it twice a day. He warned us that it was likely to make her sedated and possibly dizzy...however we would know pretty quickly if it was working or not. We are ordering the ACTH injections again (that I give her at home), while we are trying the Banzel. She has a follow-up appointment next week to see where we are. If the Banzel seems to be working, we will have another EEG.

Her genetics appointment has been set for June 16th at Vanderbilt. We do not know exactly what that appointment will consist of, nor do we know that anything will come of that appointment. All we know is that it is one more step in the right direction in finding something to end this long battle with Infantile Spasms for Kate.

Kate will stay on the steroid for now, as well as the other three medication that she was already on prior to going out of remission. We are just concerned that these five medicines are going to be so hard on her little body. Especially the Banzel making her sedated....with her therapy sessions that could become a little bit complicated for her.

Thank you for praying. We truly appreciate it, feel them and know that the Lord hears them. Wherever two or more are gathered in His name...all we can say is thank you for taking the time to pray. We firmly believe that God has a big plan for Kate's life and this is all part of His story...as her parents we just want to skip ahead and know the ending....but truly the ending of the story is always sweeter if you wait on the Lord...

On a very happy and marvelous note...Kate is pulling up on everything! The crib, the couch, the pack'n'play..if it's there she'll pull up on it!

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We don't know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. Romans 8:26

Infantile Spasm Syndrome...No longer in Remission

2009-04-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

This is written with heavy and yet hopeful hearts...our sweet Kate has gone back into seizure mode with her Infantile Spasm Syndrome and is no longer in remission. We were at Vanderbilt this morning for an earlier EEG than was originally planned because we began to notice her manifesting the seizures differently this time and our pediatric neurologist, Dr. Sharpe wanted to get her in as quickly as possible.

We are starting her on a high dosage of the same type of steroid that got her to go into remission the first go around, however a large percentage of time the drug will not work. There are a small number of drugs to treat IS, so we are just praying that this will work and we won't need to seek another option.

God has a story to tell with Kate's journey and what a blessing to have her given to us to be on her journey! We don't know His ultimate plan, but we know that as long as we are a part of His plan, that is where we should be. Would you please be in prayer for our daughter? Our hearts ache at the thought of what these drugs are capable of doing to her personality...the fear for us is loosing the happy, full of life and vibrant little girl that we have-to the medicine...they did the last time, and we are just hoping and praying that perhaps they won't do that this time. Drugs don't always react to the body the same way every time, especially when the power of prayer is involved.

Thank you for taking the time to pray for our child...

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 4:16

Second Class...Looking Glass

2009-04-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

Last night was our second class and it was the night that we discussed infertility and loss. As I sat there and listened to some of the stories and saw a couple weeping over the obvious loss of a child they had conceived, another couple that had lost a child due to a tubal pregnancy, sitting right beside me someone who had battled cancer....and then I knew our story of trying to get pregnant for several years but choosing not to go the route of IUI's or In Vitro....all I could do was sit and listen and thank the Lord for our daughter. When I felt the urge to tell our story I did. I left out the part about not getting Kelsey....I shared the HOPE. I guess I felt like all of these couples had gone through so much, why burden them with one more misfortunate story of loss in the adoption world? I told them the miracle story of Kate....and every time that I tell her story it is more miraculous just as she is.

These classes are long, and taxing...but so informative. When it comes time for our interviews with the social workers that work for Agape...that is when we will share our story of loss, because that is who will be able to listen with ears that are able to hear without fear or worry. Stephen and I have also talked so much about adoption in that we feel like it isn't a second rate choice for us. This isn't something we are doing in place of getting pregnant. For us, pregnancy is still an option for us. We were never told we couldn't get pregnant...it's just not that important to us to TRY that hard....when there are precious lives waiting to call us mommy and daddy out there.

I guess the point of the class last night was to bring closure for those couples who hadn't worked out their feelings of loss of their infertility. Obviously, for Stephen and I...we have. I do believe that if the Lord wants us to have biological children He will make that happen...but we are both perfectly content if that does not happen. Adoption is exciting...there is so much anticipation in waiting for the call, not knowing if it's a boy or girl...because you really can't find out until they come!!! You want this child so desperately because you are willing to go through so much paperwork, physicals, classes, background checks, providing references, fingerprints, proving your financials....etc. All in the name of loving a child. Those of you who are in the adoption process, or who have adopted can relate to this....there is no way to explain the experience! Some days you cry, some days you are happy....especially if you are a woman!

Anyways...please stay tuned for the roller coaster that will be our next Baby Benton!

First Adoption Class-April 2nd

2009-04-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we are one class in, with two more to go! This first class we basically discussed most of the procedures for Agape. We did find out that we would be able to use our homestudy that we have due to our adoption of Kate! So that will save us and Agape time, money and paperwork. We will still have to do the fingerprinting, background checks and physicals as well as many other things...but some of the major paperwork that goes along with adoption will already be covered.

This class we covered alot about the different types of adoption and what we would be willing to consider as far as open adoption and things like that. But what really got Stephen and I was how different this adoption is for our feelings towards the birth mother this go around. The number one shocker to me was the average age of the women that choose to make an adoption plan for their babies with Agape is 25-32. We would have guessed in the teens to early 20's simply because the maturity level and ability to cope with having a child...but that age seems to fantasize about the baby and have a picture of perfection about the baby. The 25-32 age realizes how hard it will be and they take a good look at where they are in their life and realize that they aren't capable of caring for their child...but choose LIFE for their child and LOVE them enough to make the decision to choose a family that will be able to give them a better opportunity than they can. What love she has for her child....so that we will be able to love OUR child.

I was thinking about what was said in the class about filling out all the paperwork and jumping through all the hoops and answering all the invasive questions, going through the physicals, the home inspections...and sometimes feeling like people that have children naturally don't have to go through all of that....but the child that we adopt had a birth mother that loved him/her so much that she chose life and chose us to be his/her parents....so we are in essence his/her second chance at brand new parents (that may sound funny, but I don't mean for it to) so that is the reason Agape goes through rigorous details to make sure we are the perfect fit for this child so that they insure that he/she gets the best chance at a fresh start....it clicked in other words for me!

With Kate's adoption...her mother's rights were terminated...because of neglect. Her mother abused drugs during pregnancy...thankfuly by the grace and mercy of God they didn't transfer to Kate. (Her seizure disorder has nothing to do with that...could happen to any child...not drug related at all.) Her mother and this next adoptive mother have nothing in common so our feelings towards them are different. I have compassion for both and love for both of them...but a different kind towards each of them. I just feel like with this adoption...the birth mother is making such a sacrifice for her child...she's loving her child more than herself...like a mother should. That is completely opposite of Kate's biological mother. So I just look at this differently....this is going to be a completely different journey...as it should be, because this is a different miracle child.

I am already in prayer for our next child's mother...because I know that in order for us to have a child her circumstances have to be difficult and that breaks my heart, that I can't change for her, but I can pray for her.

On a happier note, we are very excited, overwhelmed with anticipation and we are feeling that God has something amazing up His sleeve for us!

Just A Closer Walk

2009-03-28T05:57:00.000-07:00

This week has been one of those weeks. You know, those weeks that you are just frustrated and feeling a little tired and weary with the status of your day to day struggles. I have felt a bit frazzled with my migraines and discombobulated with my back hurting more than I would desire it to which spurs on the migraines even more and quite frankly I have just felt sorry for myself. Generally, I try to do my very best not to complain about it to anyone besides my momma and my husband. Sometimes I am better at that than others, it just depends on my attitude.

But this week, I haven't been in the best of spirits. This week I have felt all alone. I have felt pain for my daughter. I have been frustrated for her. When we added more therapy to her already busy schedule it was because she isn't catching up...or wrather her skills aren't picking up as quickly so we are hoping that with more therapy that they will. I know that it is what is best for her and I love her therapists as does she....but 5 therapy sessions a week for her, and next month is the EEG appointment to see if she remains in remission, and then in two weeks we are going to see an opthamologist because of her esotropia...which could lead to glasses, a patch over her eye, or surgery. In July we go to the pediatric cardiologist about her heart murmur again to discuss our options...we can do the open heart surgery at age 2 or 3. I have just had a great deal on my mind this week about upcoming things with my baby. I have felt overwhelmed for her. She understands communication at an 11-12 month old level but she can only communicate back at a 6 month old level (which is really not at all...which is why she gets so fussy because she is frustrated)....so I feel like she understands what is going on and does she get frustrated because there are things that she can't do and she wants to do? I think that is what bothers me the most as her mom? My dreams for Kate are for her to her best and nothing more. I love her strong willed personality and I believe that will help her to succeed and do well.

I had to remind myself of one of my favorite hymns to get through today:

Through this world of toil and snares,

If I falter, Lord, who cares?

Who with me my burden shares?

None but Thee, dear Lord, none but Thee.

Just a closer walk with Thee,

Grant it, Jesus, is my plea,

Daily walking close to Thee,

Let it be, dear Lord, let it be.

Anyways, when I finally took the time to sit and think about those words I realized that I didn't need my husband or my mom or a friend to talk to or pick up the phone and call me to chat and spill my heart out to...I had Jesus. I had him to talk to and lean on and with all that is going on and everything that is coming up, all will be okay and He will bring us through it. He shares our burdens. I like the line in the song that says 'None but thee', because it so true. God truly is the only one who really is alongside you through things...others may not look at what I am going through as a burden or even as a difficult situation...but I do and therefore God does.

I hope that if you are in a difficult situation you'll remember to take it to Jesus....He shares your burdens.

Adoption

2009-03-23T07:31:00.000-07:00

Adoption is defined as the act of legally placing a child with parents other than those to whom a child was born. An adoption order has the effect of severing parental responsibilities and rights of the original parents and transferring those responsibilities (or what I consider gifts) and rights to the adoptive parents.

We are about one week away from starting our classes for this next adoption and we are so eager to get this process going! The class will last only 3 weeks and then we will be in our homestudy process, however, because we have already adopted we might be able to use our current homestudy...not sure of all of that quite yet. It is just exciting to think that we are on the cusp of holding another child in our arms...another child who needs us.

Stephen and I always wanted to adopt, regardless of whether or not we could have biological children or not. We did start out our journey of trying to have children with drugs and years of trying to get pregnant with no success. After being told it was unlikely that we would get pregnant, we decided to proceed with what we knew was our calling. After adopting Kate, God began to place this passion in us for bi-racial and African-American children. We just know that our hopes and desires are known and He has the best ultimate plan for us.

Recently I have begun to do alot of thinking on adoption and being adopted primarily because of an adoption class for moms of adopted children and moms who are in the adoption process that I am going to be facilitating at church. I have heard in sermons before the discussion that we have been adopted into God's family. How fitting that is! When we ask Jesus into our hearts we are immediately accepted into His forever family. We are adopted. What hope, what security, what a future we have, what grace we are given.

This child that Stephen and I (and Kate too) will adopt into our family knows nothing about us...he/she does not know that they will be home forever, that they can trust us, that they will have safety, security and love in abundance. My greatest hope is that all of my children will come to know the Father and be adopted into His family.

God chose us to belong to Christ before the world was created. He chose us to be holy and without blame in His eyes. He loved us. So He decided long ago to adopt us as His children. He did it because of what Jesus Christ has done. It pleased God to do it. Ephesians 1:4-5

Would you pray for us as we start out this process? We are excited, hopeful and nervous all at the same time! We trust the Lord completely with His plan for our family, but we ask that you be in prayer with us as we start this next adoption. With our last adoption we know that it clearly wasn't the Lord's will, but we know that His will is perfect....so we trust that this time around all will go as it is supposed to go.

Thanks~

FOCA & RED Campaign

2009-03-19T10:50:00.000-07:00

Many of you have received an email from me concerning the RED envelope campaign which I received from someone else...which was such an interesting idea...to send red envelopes with a simple message: This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion. It is empty because the that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world. Responsibility begins at conception. How much more direct and powerful can you get? I am astonished that more of us haven't heard of this campaign already. I am excited to be a part of sending a red envelope with my name on it to send a message to the white house that I do not stand for the killing of an innocent life. We sit by silently as to not impose our views on so many things, but this is one of those times that we need not be silent.

The Freedom of Choice Act holds no freedom at all. It eliminates or basically refuses to allow the rights of doctors, nurses and hospitals to their views on opposing abortion based on religious, moral or ethical grounds. Parents no longer have a right to know when or if their daughter makes a decision to have an abortion. Every state will be force to re-allow partial birth abortions, in fact that is one of the primary goals of this bill.

I am passionate about children, especially those that can't speak for themselves. FOCA has been said to be the most radical abortion legislation ever considered in the United States by the National Committee for Human Life Amendment. In the next day or two I will be receiving a shipment of postcards from the NCHLA that can be mailed to your senators and state representative along with a flyer of information on FOCA. I will pre-address it for you, if you would like to have one to send to your state senators and representative please let me know.

If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.

Take Your Moment

2009-03-07T05:54:00.000-08:00

So, I am doing my very best to get back into the best shape of my life. I have reached that point where I want to be healthy and I don't want to make excuses on why I'm still not at my goal weight. I'm 70% of the way there already...just got that last 30 lbs. to go. So I am literally busting my rear off at the gym...not that I ever had one, haha.

About two weeks ago when I first went I was at the Sports Com working out on the eliptical machine and I had Justin Timberlake blaring in the headphones... I'm Bringing Sexy Back and I was doing well enough, but it was my first time back in the gym and I lasted 19 minutes 14 seconds. But I thought that I was looking good and I had Justin in my head set blaring, telling me I was bringing sexy back (I know he's saying he's bringing it back, but for the sake of my work out...I was bringing it back). But I was exhausted, no energy left, couldn't do anymore.

The next day I decided to change what I was listening to and I listened to my all time favorite, Steven Curtis Chapman. Wouldn't you know that putting something different in your head even changes how your work out goes? Instead of a measly 19 minutes I was able to do 30 minutes on the eliptical machine. I still had energy left, I was overflowing with energy when I left the gym. Each day I have been able to build up from there to longer workouts with more impact. My spirits were higher...

Thursday I was working out and I was once again listening to Steven Curtis Chapman. I do change it up to other artists...but he is my favorite. His lyrics and songs just come alive to me. I don't know why...but it's probably because I listened to him with my dad. I tend to like alot of the same music my dad does...because I grew up sitting on the floor listening to records and cd's with my dad. That memory makes SCC more than just an artist he's kind of a catalyst for different memories that I have.

Back to Thursday...I was working out and one of my favorite SCC songs came on, Moment Made for Worshiping. I was instantly in a different place. There was no one in that gym besides me and the Lord. I don't know that I have had one of those experiences in awhile. I didn't care who was watching, or that I was on a machine that was causing me to have spaghetti legs, all I knew was that at that very moment I was in the presence of the Lord and I was worshiping Him. I closed my eyes and I mouthed the words to the song. I felt myself smiling and then I felt tears start to roll down my cheeks...the sheer joy of the words to the song. The bridge, Every single beat of my heart...is another new place to start...right now...This is a moment made for worshiping.

I think that what continues to be my life lesson is that it doesn't matter where you are, what your situation is, how difficult it may be....any moment is a moment made for worship. How awesome would it be if we could just recognize that He has us in His grip every second of every day...not say that we know it...but really believe it? I think that my workout held that lesson in it for me.... I HATE to workout...but God used something that I HATE to WORSHIP Him...can you imagine if I had skipped out on working out...I would have missed out on my awesome encounter that morning where I tuned out the world and allowed myself to worship the Lord on the eliptical machine. Take your moment.

This is a moment made for worshipping

Cause this is a moment I'm alive

And this is a moment I was made to sing

A song of living sacrifice

For every moment that I live and breathe

This is a moment made for worshipping

When Love Takes You In

2009-03-02T08:20:00.000-08:00

Our sweet miracle...

She tuckered out on the stairs...

Our song on this page is by my all time favorite recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman. When Love Takes You In is a song that captures what we believe is the heart of the message of adoption.

My husband, Stephen and myself both felt the Lord tugging at our hearts to adopt and discussed it at the beginning of our dating relationship and actually began the process in January 2006 (little did we know our Kate was conceived during this month that we took our first step of faith). We adopted Kate in 2007. There were many more steps involved and many incredible stories where God's hand was clearly evident, and if you would like to know more feel free to ask. We were blessed far beyond what we could have ever imagined for ourselves, when we opened our hearts to allowing God to choose the child He desired to be ours. We didn't know how old our child would be, what race, what color eyes, what personality, or that he or she would know that they would be loved unconditionally and that they would be able to trust us. God chose to give us a newborn baby girl at 2 lbs. 13 oz., 2 months early in the NICU...where we would spend 7 hours a day for the next 5 weeks until we finally got to bring her home. This was completely unheard of in the Department of Children's Services to get a newborn baby. We received a perfect miracle!

Kate is now 19 months old and I am so thankful that we are out of the storm of Infantile Spasm Syndrome. She will always have the diagnosis, and we go every 4 months for EEG's to see that she remains in remission. Her next EEG is in April, and we will continue to update everyone on her condition. There is no greater fear for a mother than to see your child in a state of illness such as IS. Seeing your child go through up to 20 seizures a day and revert back to a 4 month old infant at the age of 13 months old was the most traumatic experience I believe I have ever faced. She has not had a seizure since September 15, 2008...we pray that it stays that way! We made it through by the grace of God, clinging to each other and through the love and prayers of our family and friends. Kate is flourishing in therapy...she literally smiles when she sees her therapists. I feel as though they truly care about her success. She is in speech, occupational and physical therapy...we are there 4 times a week. She tests her limits and knows how to work them and try to get her way, but they have quickly learned that she is very strong willed.

Kate does still have her heart murmur that she had when she was born and we go every 6 months to have that looked at by her pediatric cardiologist. Right now because she is continuing to grow and do well, we do not have to do anything just yet. She will have to have it repaired by surgery at the age of 2 0r 3. We will be continuing to pray that God closes the hole and we won't need the surgery.

This little girl came into our hearts and captivated us...with her tiny finger wrapped around mine on the first day my eyes saw her....I was in love...a love I had never known could exist...pure and perfect...a mother's love.

When love takes you in everything changes,

A miracle starts with the beat of a heart,

And this love will never let you go,

There is nothing that could ever

Cause this love to lose it's hold.

We are so blessed by adoption and we are so excited to be adopting again and look forward to giving our daughter, our miracle Kate a brother or sister....

In need of healing...

2009-02-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

Today was a difficult day for me...wounds went deeper as more truth was found out about the recent failed adoption. Someone else got hurt in the process of releasing some of the agony and grief of this whole situation. It was inevitable, as there was no way to move forward without talking things out and coming to an understanding of the truth of the situation. I am disappointed that my need for the truth caused someone pain and agony beyond what they had already had to go through. Before today I truly didn't realize at just what level of cruelty certain people were capable...perhaps I truly had lived my life through rose colored glasses. I am blessed to serve a Savior that gives grace and has taught me to forgive and that I have done, because that is for me...but just when I felt that I was beginning to heal it feels like the bandage is being torn slowly off...revealing the pain like saltwater to an open wound. All of the emotion and heartache starts to want to creep back in, when I felt like I had done such a good job of allowing myself to get rid of the bits and pieces of sadness that were there lingering. I will always feel loss for this little girl that we had named, had clothes in a closet for, made plans to be the parents of....but I am praying that the Lord will completely remove this animosity towards those that were responsible for the outright deceit. I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten. I am not bitter towards them, it is more a puzzled, questioning feeling...perhaps a longing to understand the thought process of a mind that would go so far to allow a mother to bond with an unborn child and then rip her heart out....and do it not only to one mother but to find out today that it was done to two mothers in essence. I just find that utterly preposterous, and disheartening. Maybe I am not ever going to understand it...perhaps it is not meant for me to understand...I do know this...that little girl is not meant to be mine, and that I have come completely to terms with. The Lord has a child meant in mind for us...we know this. We are very excited about where He is leading us with AGAPE....today just brought in a rush of emotion that I am having a great deal of trouble dealing with.

I am so thankful for my friend, M, without her guidance, voice and support I wouldn't have been able to even breathe let alone talk tonight. I'm reminded of a quote I once heard..."The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing...not healing, not curing...that is a friend who cares." She didn't have to know all the details of my conversation, because I wanted to keep it private, she didn't have to all of what I was feeling...because I couldn't quite pin it...there were too many emotions...I was angry, frustrated, annoyed and sad. She was just able to let me spew my raw emotion that I was willing to share.

When my husband, my very best friend, got home, he made everything better for the moment by just taking me in his arms and giving me a hug and telling me that I did what I thought I should, and that's all I could do in the situation. We had prayed about it and talked about it and hopefully in the end things will be better for doing so. I am so grateful for a husband that loves the Lord and loves me and knows my heart is always in the right place. Right now my heart is just in need of healing...

Psalms 34:18

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

New Information from AGAPE

2009-02-20T04:52:00.000-08:00

We got our packet of information from AGAPE yesterday in the mail! The class dates have changed and they will be starting on April 2nd. We were disappointed that they had been pushed back, but we also chose to look at it from the perspective that God was preparing us a baby that would be ready closer to that timing! Again, we don't know exactly how long the process will take but the classes are three weeks and we sent in our check for the class fees. After the first session we are able to submit our application for admission into the AGAPE adoption program which will begin the home study process. As it is obvious Kate is bi-racial, we will be adopting another bi-racial or african american child! We are very excited to see what little child the Lord blesses our home with!

It is an exciting journey that we are on...especially after the bumpy road that we have been on...we are hopeful that this experience will end in a joyous celebration with a baby boy or girl in our arms! We'll keep you posted on all the steps to the process!

The website to AGAPE is www.agapenashville.org in case you want more information for yourself.

Valentines

2009-02-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

Hearts and cupid. Mushy, sappy, romance....all these things come to mind when you think of Valentines day. Actually, for Stephen and I we really hate the gross cards with the "I knew I loved you, before I met you," kind of messages. Gag me. We spent one of our date nights recently in the Hallmark store in our mall reading all of the worst cards in the form of poetry and getting so tickled we could hardly stand it. Then he pulled me to his side to dance with him to the musical cards....I'm telling you my husband is hilarious...once he's completely comfortable around you.

Two days prior to Valentines day we had a tiff...okay, let's just call it what it was...a fight. Leading me to believe that our Valentines date night was going to be anything but fun...however, we were able to make up...just as we always do with humor and save the holiday. St. Valentine would be proud. Perhaps he asked Cupid to shoot an arrow in both of our rumps to allow us to see each other's softer, more appealing sides.

We went out to dinner and a movie the night before Valentines day in order to avoid the crowds allowing my brother and sister-in-law the joy of watching our sweet child...they had a blissful time...and we appreciated their willingness to spoil her! (See Pics)

My husband and I had a wonderful evening just talking about ourselves and what was going on in our lives and what things were new with one another...trying our best to not talk about our daughter. We actually did a pretty good job of discussing everything under the sun. It was so good to be out and in each others company, laughing and enjoying conversation. It was a wonderful Valentines...and he DID NOT get me chocolate, which is what I asked him not to do. Surprisingly, I did not think he would have listened...but he did, and I was proud of him.

Saturday morning we got Katerbug up and we were excited to let her have her Valentines day gift that her Daddy got her...something we intend for him to get to pick out every year! We attached a video of her delight with her gift!

~Ribbit Ribbit

Kate is Crawling

2009-02-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

Kate crawled! There are no prouder parents in all the world today! This has been a struggle for Kate and she has worked so very long and hard to learn to do this. With Infantile Spasm taking away so much of her developmental abilities, she has learned to do things the hard way and has had to reprogram her brain and her muscles to do the functions that they are supposed to do. With the help of her physical therapist and occupational therapist (Amber and Nicole) along with lots of long hours of work here at home she has caught up immensely from where she was when she went into remission...and we are thrilled beyond belief.

This morning here at home she made just a couple of movements forward and I thought she was soldier crawling...and then at therapy she did it again, only a better version of it. Obviously, since we got home we have done nothing besides work with her on crawling. Teasing her with jewelry, cookies and toys. Whatever made her smile and motivated her to crawl without frustrating her. She has already improved today!

This Mommy and Daddy better get this house ready for a crawler....it's kid friendly...but is it Kate friendly?

Summertime..and the living is easy

2009-02-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

Warm weather. Shouldn't it be 68 or 70 outside at all times of the year? The weather this weekend has been absolutely stunning! Out of the ordinary for February, but we welcome it nonetheless.

Oh how I long for the days of lounging around on the boat on the lake feeling the sunshine bounce off of the water and onto my skin. Listening to the sounds of my dad, husband and brother giving each other a hard time about skiing and who "gets up" the fastest. Watching my mom feed my daughter's little face with cheetos, and knowing that at any minute Mu is going to have to pee and we'll have to go to the dock to take her to the bathroom.

Getting back to the lake house and smelling the grill going, sitting on the deck watching the trees in the wind, eating as a family....and then a great game of crying canasta....someone ends up crying (normally the guys)!

These are memories that were made last summer that I know will be re-lived this summer...and I can't wait!

Kelsey

2009-02-06T06:53:00.000-08:00

This morning I am writing about our failed adoption. I am writing to get out the parts that need to get out this morning so that I can go about my day. This blog is not really for anyone but me, but it allows me to release emotions through words. Although I may not be a dynamic writer, it is one of the simple passions that I do have and it creates an outlet for me to exert my frustrations, pain and bottled up "blahs" as I call them.

We have known about Kelsey for the last 5 months and with each passing day my emotions would change towards the idea of another child. At first, I was not sure that I was ready because we were in the midst of the storm of a lifetime with our daughter...facing trials that no mother should have to endure. Then the Lord began to work in me and let me know that there was a selfishness in me that I needed to work on...that there was enough of me to go around for two children. When Kate went into remission, I wanted to just enjoy having my daughter back. Those months of her being so very ill was literally hell on earth, there were moments of joy, God would allow us to see her smile every so often to remind us that Kate was still inside her little body. So, her being in remission and seizure free and beginning to smile and laugh and come to life again was truly miraculous. I didn't want to share that with another child.

My heart changed. Jesus changed my heart. In the next 3 months, I fell in love with a child that I hadn't met. When I prayed, the Lord never said that this little girl was ours, He just said He asked us to be willing...but willing we became and in love we were. The way things happened to end up not placing Kelsey in our home weren't done properly, and that was hurtful, but that really doesn't matter at this point, the pain at this time has set in and is reeling in emotions that I haven't ever felt. I have felt agony at the thought of losing my daughter, I have sat at the feet of Jesus and begged Him to heal my child. I am at the place in my journey with this that I can't cry anymore over a child that was not in God's plan to be mine. How can you continue to weap over something that wasn't what God wanted for your life? Sure, I am overwhelmingly sad and can not begin to explain the sadness that both myself and Stephen feel. I just have to put my complete faith and trust in the one person who has my life in the palm of His hand.

One of my mom's best friends sent me a card that said, "When you plant a seed, you don't dig it up to see if it's growing. You just have faith in the miracle of life. Believe in the miracles God has planned for you." I loved that quote. It's so true. No matter what life brings God always has a bigger plan and purpose for our family. Stephen and I have a deep conviction for adoption and feel very strongly that the Lord is calling us to continue to adopt. We are so excited to see where He leads us...wherever that journey takes us, we are going to follow Him.

Sometimes our worlds do seem to crash around us and this was a tragedy for our family but Christ died to bring us a promise and He is greater than the greatest obstacles. God can turn any hardship into possibilities.

He rose! And with Him hope arose, and life and light.

Men said, "Not Christ, but death, died yesternight."

And joy and truth and all things virtuous

Rose when He rose.

Mom and Daughter days...

2009-02-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

I've been a mom now for 18 months and I have loved every day of it...especially the mornings. I absolutely love getting Kate out of bed. She is too cute with her wild hair in the mornings and her anticipation and giggling with glee that mommy is singing as she walks through the living room to come and get her out of bed. I sing the same "Good Morning" song that my mom sang to Austin and I as we were growing up...of course my mom varied it also with crowing like a rooster once in awhile...which she still does from time to time when you call her on the phone in the morning...I love my mom. Kate gives me this overwhelming sense of pride that I am doing something more worth while than any paycheck or power-suit or 6-figure salary could do for me. She lets me know that I am making her feel like the most loved and adored little girl in the mornings in the whole world....and to me she is.

When I was growing up my mom and I would have mom and daughter days. Which consisted of just the two of us...lunch, shopping, sometimes a chick flick...and I would feel really big if we went and had coffee..ooh la-la. I have already started mom and daughter days seeing as it's just me and Kate all the time, but I have so much fun pushing her around in the stroller and stopping for coffee and it being just she and I us just being together. I really dreamed of the day I would become a mother, and I cherish every day of being her mom. There are tough days, yes, many. When Kate was diagnosed in August we didn't have a good prognosis, and we had to face the prospect of losing her, that still eats at me even today when I'm sitting here looking at her playing on the floor. Jesus listened to a mother's cries once again...he had listened to me ask Him for this child for 5 years, and He was listening to the plea to save her...and He did. It wasn't overnight and it wasn't instantly...but He did. My daughter is mine and my husbands world. Our marriage comes first, like it should...but Kate is so amazing to us....sometimes we keep her up at night because we just don't want her to go to bed.

She has therapy today...but afterwards I think we are going to go have a mom and daughter day out shopping maybe. At least coffee... ooh la-la

AGAPE

2009-02-04T06:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we made a phone call to enlist ourselves in the classes to begin the process of our next adoption. After the failure of this last adoption, we are ready to start the process and see where this road takes us.

This class starts on March 12th and will last from 3:00-6:30 for 3 weeks. We will be adopting a bi-racial or African American child as the need for forever families for these children is so greatly needed and we are so very excited to have any of God's children in our home! The class will also explain the entire process of all paperwork necessary through AGAPE and required tests and background checks and fees associated. The next step will be the home study. It is a possibility that we may be able to use our home study from the Department of Children's Services, but we will have to do our research on that. It could take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years, the Lord will determine His plan for our family.

We are looking forward to what God has planned for our lives and we will always continue to keep the door open to allowing God to bring a child into our home biologically also, we haven't closed that door, and we don't believe He has either...they are all His children to begin with... it need not matter what order that they come in, how they enter the world, or what color their skin is...we are called to love them...and loving them is the oh so easy part.

"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." Proverbs 16:9

Our first date....in forever!!!

2009-02-03T10:28:00.000-08:00

We had a date night! My hubbie and I went out on a so-called date...well, I got dressed up in something besides jeans, tennis-shoes and a sweatshirt! His office "holiday soiree" was last week and we got my parents to watch the Katerbug so that we could get all decked out to venture out to Nashvegas and hit the party life (haha). It was at this club called The Basement and they had a band and food and it was loud and everyone was really friendly. We stayed out until 9 o'clock! Woo-hoo! Wild things we are! We got home by 10 and I was out by 10:15.

I must have a few brief moments to exhale. I was so exhausted before even going out from getting ready...I mean seriously...shaving your legs, putting on lotion (which I never normally do, but it's date night come on), extra make-up because you are meeting his boss for the first time so you MUST make a good impression....not to mention getting ready all the while trying to keep your 18 month old out of your makeup, out of your nightstand, trying to keep her from pulling the straightening iron onto herself in the bathroom, "Oh, NO she grabbed the soap....she's EATING the soap!!!" Then your husband walks in...your intention was to be fully dressed when he walked in so he could make a comment on how nice you looked....but instead you are in your underwear with knee highs on and in the middle of putting your bra on feeding your child cheetos, but yet he came in and gave me a kiss as if I wasn't looking all a mess!

He then proceeds to whine because he doesn't want to wear the shirt you ironed, so you tell him to get to ironing the shirt he does want to wear himself because you are going to go feed your child...you offer to switch jobs and he declines. Does this sound at all familiar to anyone?

If not, you are probably fibbing.

We then proceed to take a picture of ourselves all decked out...because he did like the final outfit....once I was dressed and not just wearing the granny rolled knee highs. :) It went fine...just in a hurry to get it done and I hate to be in a hurry and Boy is so not a fast mover.

The evening goes well after we dropped our daughter off at my parents house...we held hands the entire drive and talked and sang along to the radio like we always do...felt like we were dating again...except better. I like us where we are. I like the chaos and the fact that in the noise and the hurry of getting ready to go somewhere he came in and kissed me. I like the forgiveness that is there when we talk to each other hatefully. We both feel so badly when we speak to each other in a hurtful tone.

When we finally got to the party he acted like he was so proud of me, and that in return made me so proud of him. Not all men treat their wives that way. He introduced me to everyone and never left my side. He guided me into every room with his hand on the small of my back...I can remember when we were dating...that was one of the things that used to melt me and it still does. He leaned in several times to whisper into my ear who people were and he'd have his hand on my kneck when he did that and I literally felt like I was 18 again...dating him and wondering if he was going to kiss me at the end of the night. haha

I know this blog is silly and foolish, but I have been working so hard to loose weight and I really believe that alot of the reasons that I felt the way that I did that night and am beginning to again...is because I am finally beginning to feel like the real me again. I had lost a part of who I was for the last 6 years and I believe he sees that in me. I know he would have always loved me, but I didn't love me...and I am starting to love me for me again.

Anyways, I posted a picture of us on our date....his pose is his "strong man" pose...I think he just looks like a goober trying to stand up taller because I have on 3 inch heels.

Thanks for reading my silly blog.